A little update…?

The following feelings are the feelings I’m feeling at the time:

  • Sadness: I don’t know why…
  • Anxiety: I’m afraid I’m going to struggle mentally in the future, because shit doesn’t really seem to be going great right now…
  • Happiness: I still have reasons to smile, although I don’t really smile a whole lot right now…
  • Anger: Why can’t I just be normal? Happy with myself? Happy with… Well, everything I SHOULD be happy about?!
  • Regret: I regret… And this is something I haven’t even wanted to think in my head until now, but I think I should embrace it… I regret losing my fucking virginity.

Now, this weekend I visited my boyfriend. And, well, we did ¨it¨. I hate thinking about this, I even hate just writing about it, but I think it’s good for me to do it… No more suppressing this shit.

Well, I told my friends about it after maybe fifteen minutes or so, and at this point I didn’t really have any particular feelings or thoughts about what had just happened. My friends were all like ¨Oh boy, we are going to ask you SO many questions about this on Monday!¨

And today, I got interrogated by them. By now, I had started feeling kind of awful about what I had done. I didn’t have any problems with doing ¨it¨ at the time of the ¨event¨, but afterwards, the feeling of disgust and regret filled up in my body, slowly. And so, yesterday, shit simply got too overwhelming.

I guess this ¨event¨ was one of the causes of my disconnecting, although I didn’t want it to be, and still don’t.

I don’t want my friends to think about me not being a virgin every time they see me.  If they keep saying the shit they’ve been saying all day today, I’m going to let them know that.

I… Think that, after this ¨event¨… I feel like I’m kind of… well, not closer to my boyfriend. More like further away from him (can’t think of the word to explain it in English…)

If I could go back in time, I’d most definetly NOT say yes to doing ¨it¨ with him.

Okay, that’s all for now, guys… I’ve said everything I needed to for now. As always, leave a comment if you feel like it…

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Left Again

This stuff is very… yeah… it’s good… It’s great. It made a strong impression o.O ❤

HarsH ReaLiTy

Replays of a forgotten past trying desperately to be remembered. I see fleeting images before my sleeping eyes. A reel of time that spins with desperation to reach the end. How desperately I reach out to the slow its movement if only for a second. Stopping the beating of my life so I can catch my breath. Breathless because each atom around me belongs to another. I search for meaning within the meaning of others. A life still not my own.

Left again… must I always be left? Why can’t I for once leave you? Leaving you to feel what it is like to be so very small. To watch as the towers of reality walk around your inconceivable dilemma. Will someone hear your wail of need or ignore it as you ignored mine the day you walked away. Leaving me to be left again, an endless reel of time I…

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An explanation of the previous post

Hey guys, so if you’ve read my last post, you might have a couple of questions. I just suddenly felt the urge to explain. So: I feel like I’m disconnecting again. Have I mentioned my disconnecting before? If I haven’t, here we go:

You probably know that I’ve felt rather… down… a coupe of times while I’ve had this blog. Have I been depressed? I have no idea, I don’t think so. However, I’ve experienced that I’ve simply disconnected from life a couple of times. Now, by ¨disconnected¨ I mean stopped thinking about stuff, because all the thinking makes me upset. When I start thinking, see, I rarely stop thinking until I’m crying. (that is, when I start thinking about something special/something that bothers me etc. You get my point, right?) And yeah, I think I’m about to disconnect again, because I can’t really handle all these thoughts and then it’s much easier to just take a break from the thoughts and just disconnect…

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? If you do, thank you. If you don’t, that’s okay, I did my best to try and explain.

So, the previous post here was just something I wrote a couple of minutes ago, because it felt like my head would explode, and I know the text is rather weird, but it’s the way I feel…

Thanks for reading, guys, I appreciate it, although I don’t know if anyone reads these…

Stay happy, stay awkward :3

Disconnected

I’m on the edge of disconnecting again. I don’t want that to happen, but I feel it happening and I don’t think I’ll be able do stop it. The world is spinning. Everything is tilted, nothing is straight. My mind is out of control. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to be happy, I want to be sad, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know anything, except everything is tilted right now, maybe about 30 degrees or something. I’m disconnecting. I think I am. I do not want to. Yet I want to. I have the playlist ready for it on Spotify. If I disconnect, I will make it public. Fuck it, I’ll make it public right now.

Things are tilting back to normal again. No, wait, the world just tilted back. But it’s okay, I am about to disconnect. I kind of want to disconnect now. I feel like I am outside my own body, yet I still feel like me. Tilting back now. I’m back. Back to normal. Still half disconnected. Tilting again. Back to 30 degrees. No, tilting back to normal again. That is it, just disconnect already. It’s okay, just for a little while. A couple of days disconnected won’t hurt me.