The following feelings are the feelings I’m feeling at the time:
- Sadness: I don’t know why…
- Anxiety: I’m afraid I’m going to struggle mentally in the future, because shit doesn’t really seem to be going great right now…
- Happiness: I still have reasons to smile, although I don’t really smile a whole lot right now…
- Anger: Why can’t I just be normal? Happy with myself? Happy with… Well, everything I SHOULD be happy about?!
- Regret: I regret… And this is something I haven’t even wanted to think in my head until now, but I think I should embrace it… I regret losing my fucking virginity.
Now, this weekend I visited my boyfriend. And, well, we did ¨it¨. I hate thinking about this, I even hate just writing about it, but I think it’s good for me to do it… No more suppressing this shit.
Well, I told my friends about it after maybe fifteen minutes or so, and at this point I didn’t really have any particular feelings or thoughts about what had just happened. My friends were all like ¨Oh boy, we are going to ask you SO many questions about this on Monday!¨
And today, I got interrogated by them. By now, I had started feeling kind of awful about what I had done. I didn’t have any problems with doing ¨it¨ at the time of the ¨event¨, but afterwards, the feeling of disgust and regret filled up in my body, slowly. And so, yesterday, shit simply got too overwhelming.
I guess this ¨event¨ was one of the causes of my disconnecting, although I didn’t want it to be, and still don’t.
I don’t want my friends to think about me not being a virgin every time they see me. If they keep saying the shit they’ve been saying all day today, I’m going to let them know that.
I… Think that, after this ¨event¨… I feel like I’m kind of… well, not closer to my boyfriend. More like further away from him (can’t think of the word to explain it in English…)
If I could go back in time, I’d most definetly NOT say yes to doing ¨it¨ with him.
Okay, that’s all for now, guys… I’ve said everything I needed to for now. As always, leave a comment if you feel like it…
Stay happy, stay awkward.