Please don’t

Stop. Stop crying. I’m crying again. However this time with good reason. I wasn’t wrong yesterday. I felt like something was wrong, and it was. And it is.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want it to be true. I want him to feel the same as I do.

He feels better when not being around technology so much. He feels better when being around people. In real life. So I get it, a long-distance relationship doesn’t work for him. I can’t do anything but respect that. I once wrote on a post-it note that, for me to leave him, he would have to ask me to. And today, he did just that.

Of course, he didn’t say it like that. He just made it clear that he didn’t think it  is going to work out. If it was up to me, it would work out, even if we didn’t speak for weeks, it would work out as long as we just got to talk sometimes. But he can’t help it for not feeling the same way. Different people have different needs, and there is only so much one can take.

I’m glad he’s feeling better, though. I hope it continues that way. I wish for only bright days for him. I love him. So I’ll do as he wishes.

Don’t think I’m trying to make him seem like a bad guy, okay? He is the kindest person I’ve ever met. He is amazing in so many ways, and I’ve never felt so safe with anyone ever before. I wish for all the best for him. And at this point, the best for him is to be around people, reading books, things that don’t include technology. Of course I am upset, but there is nothing I can do about it. As I said in a post not long ago: At the end of the day, it is up to him.

So I hope your day is good, guys…

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i still love you

Stop

Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Please, stop crying.

Why am I crying?

I am overthinking.

Overanalyzing.

It must all be in my head.

I see how stupid my mind is when I search through the evidence.

There is nothing to cry about. I’m sure of it.

I wish for summer to get here. Not because it’s my favourite season (winter is my favourite). No, I wish for summer to come because he likes it. He likes the light. He is better then. Not as sad, a bit more happy. Much more happy, actually.

Stop. Stop it. Please. I beg of myself.

This is ridiculous. I am sure there is nothing to cry about. At this point, I am not even sure why I am crying. When it started, I knew. But the reason why I started crying is not the reason why I am crying now. I do not know why I am crying now. For I know it is dumb.

Calm down.

I’m calm.

Probably not for long…

But for now

I am calmer.

Sobbing. Proper sobbing.

I wasn’t going to write about this. I wanted to put this away. But I couldn’t.

Hey guys. I thought a guy was into me. It clicked. It was an amazing day with talking, laughter and mocking (the flirty kind). The next day? As if nothing had happened. He acted as though the previous day never happened. The previous day he texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch break together with him the next day. I said yes, sure, sounds nice. It didn’t happen. And when I said something about it, he just acted rather cold about it. I do not know if I’ve done anything wrong, or said or not said something I should or shouldn’t have said, he just stopped it. It broke me.

I cried today, guys. Finally, after more than two months without tears, I cried. However, it wasn’t the relief I was hoping for. It was horrible, painful sobbing. I couldn’t breathe, I hyperventilated. I had to sit down, soon I had to lie down. Thank goodness I was home alone. I  cried like that two times today. It hurt so badly. It still hurts. God, how I wish I knew why he did what he did. I wish I understood, or at least got an explanation.

I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away so quickly. Just see what that brought me; nothing but sobbing and pain. I have enough with the people who already are in my life, I don’t need anyone else. That’ll save me from a lot of tears, a lot of pressure, hope and disappointments.

That was all, I just had to get this out of my system. It’s probably not over yet, though. Anyways, I’ll write you again soon, hopefully with something other than this depressing shit.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Updated phobias; some real talk

So I looked at my previous ¨phobias¨ post, and figured that it’s a little… well… It’s not that accurate. I therefore decided to create a new list of my phobias, this time with a little more research and thought behind each phobia. However, I chose to leave the previous post about phobias, just so that you can see the difference. So yeah, enjoy reading about my fears, you weird sociopaths… Just kidding, I hope you’re normal.

My phobias

  1. Thalassophobia Fear of the sea: I have this, and I’ve known it for just about my entire life. It’s not just because of sharks and fish and that stuff (although they’re pretty creepy too), but it’s just… All this unknown space, all around. Space, as in outer space, as in stars and planets, do not freak me out. I suppose this is because I can actually be at sea, and I know that ¨this is not my turf. This is the turf of sharks and whales and fish and all these things we haven’t even seen yet.¨ I just feel helpless.
  2. Enochlophobia Fear of crowded places: You probably already knew both this one and number one. Crowded places freak me out. My heart starts racing, it suddenly feels like the room is on fire, and I just have to get to a place with less people. This is one of several reasons why I do not really want to go to parties and such. I have never been to a party, even though my friends have tried again and again to make me go with them. I am more fan of sitting alone in a room, gaming or something.
  3.  ErotophobiaFear of sex, or fear of things related to sex: This one gets kind of complicated. You see, erotophobia is ¨a generalized term that encompasses a wide range of specific fears.¨ (quoted from this website.) So, erotophobia include any phobia connected with sex and stuff like that. And, here are the specific phobias I (am pretty sure I) have when it comes to these things:

Genophobia/coitophobiaFear of sex: Quite simply, the fear of sexual intercourse. I did not have any issues with kissing or cuddling when I was in a relationship, but the more sexual part was very frightening, and after all the things my ex and I did, I am afraid I have ruined myself. I no longer want sexual… Stuff… I mean, I sometimes want it, but if I got the opportunity I would just lock down and say NOPE.

Fear of intimacy and fear of vunerability: Not only when it comes to sexual things, but also sharing personal stories and inner feelings and thoughts. That’s why I find this blog a good way to push my comfort zone. You see, I do not really feel comfortable writing about these things, but I try to post as much as possible of the things I write (I write a lot here, but I rarely post it). Also, when it comes to actually talking seriously to someone about feelings or, well, just serious stuff, I struggle. I just don’t know what to say or what to do, or where to look or what expression to make.

Gymnophobia – Fear of nudity: I have poor self esteem. Just saying. I do not find my body nice to look at, so therefore I do not see how someone else can. They can say whatever they want, but there’s something telling me that I am not pretty, my body is too big, and I should be like ¨the others¨.

So there you have it. Number 3 on this list turned out to be quite complicated, but oh well… You see, these phobias (the ones on number 3, mostly) have caused quite a lot of pain and trouble for me. I could have been so confident. I could have been so much happier. But no. These fucking phobias keep messing with my head, making me feel the need to push people away from my inner feelings and thoughts. Not even my closest friend knows anything about this. This is one of those things I do not tell anyone. I didn’t even hint at it to my ex. He probably just thought I was weird or something. I don’t know.

Do you reckognize yourself in anything that I’ve written today? Let me know if you do.

Stay happy, stay brave, stay awkward

Fear

I fear so many things (as you can see in that other post of mine). The deep oceans, getting humiliated, I could go on for a long time. But the thing I’m going to write about today, is my fear of not knowing what people think about me.

Now, I don’t usually worry about wether someone likes me or not, because I know my friends like me and that’s enough. But this one person, you know him from my previous post (the guy I started chatting with, the guy who made me sooo happy) is now making me extremely nervous. You see, I don’t know if he likes me the way I like him.

At first, we both made it clear that we liked each other; one tells the other how great the other person looks today, hearts and kissy emojis is used frequently, all that stuff.
Now, after about a month, he stopped using as many hearts and stuff, he doesn’t text me as often, and it has only gotten worse and worse. I don’t know why, and that makes me sad, worried, and I think about it constantly. This probably sounds very paranoid of me, but trust me: If you had seen how our texts have changed, you’d think something else. He’s more… distant…

So the question is: Should I tell him how I feel? I don’t want to, I just want everything to be like it was in the first place: Me waking up happy every day, thinking about him and smiling, talking to him every hour or so.
But no, here’s what it’s like now: Me waking up not knowing how the day’ll be, thinking about him all the time but not knowing if I should smile or cry, talking to him for about a minute, two times a day.

So; I kind of wish I never even talked to him in the first place, because I don’t want to feel this way, not now. I also want us to talk like we did before. I can manage with us talking maybe three times a day or something, but I want those conversations to be just as great as those before were.

I need your help: What’s the best thing to do here? Continue talking to him like nothing’s wrong and hope for it to go back to normal? Confront him about it, ask him how he feels? Or something else? I don’t know, so please help.

Thanks for reading. Stay (happy), stay awkward…

</3

Hey guys. Remeber my ¨boyfriend¨? The guy I met on Hot or not? Well, what I knew would happen, just happened.

He got straight to the case. And these are the exact words he said, except not in English: ¨I don’t think we should be together anymore.¨ I knew it would happen some time, I mean, I wasn’t expecting us to be together and then move in together and stuff, but I mean, it really surprised me. He didn’t show any signs that he was going to break up. Not at all. I actually felt like things were going really nicely between us, we joked around, chatted until way after midnight and all in all being happy…

Well, apparently, there’s someone else. I kind of wanna ask him about her, but I feel like it’s none of my business. I at least want to know if they’re already together or if he just has feelings for her. I don’t know.

There’s so many questions running through my head. Has he been thinking about this for a long time? Will we continue to talk, and just be friends? (I really don’t want to just stop talking to him, because we’ve gotten to know each other so well…) Who is this other girl? Will I be upset about this for a long time?

I didn’t think I was going to cry about this, because at first I just thought ¨well… That was that, then?¨ Then I went to my room, and there was the tears, alright.

Well, that was pretty muvh it. I’ll talk to you later, hopefully about something happy or funny or something like that.

Bye.

I’m scared…

Hey guys! So, first of all, welcome to our newest follower, Projectlighttolife ! I hope you enjoy my blog if you take the time to read it. 🙂

Alright, let’s get to the serious stuff. To quote “The perksfof being a wallflower” (I’m reading it at the time, and it is AMAZING) “I think I’m getting bad again.” I don’t know if that’s exactly what Charlie writes, but at least he says something like that in the movie. But anyways, yes, I think I might be getting bad again. If you’ve read some of my old posts, you know that I have had some hard times. There’s no particular reason for this, I’ve just had these periods of time where I felt like shit. And that’s what I’m afraid is happening again. And NO, IT’S NOT MY PERIOD. We’re talking several weeks, probably months of sadness and stuff, and this has maybe happened twice before. The first time was two years ago, my first year of junior high or whatever America calls it. That was the worst time, and I think maybe that’s when I started this blog. Or after that, I don’t know. Well, that was the worst time, and then it got better, and then it got bad, and then it got great. I also struggled a bit the year after, then it was mostly that I was feeling anxious all the time.

I don’t know, I’ve felt great (with some exceptions, of course, bad days and stuff), until now. I’m starting to feel sad and upset about, well, everything. I think I’m jealous of a friend of mine for the most ridiculous reason (I can make another blog post about it some other time if you want, but we’ll see) and things feel a lot more stressful. To be honest, though, things like working out, playing music and watching YouTube videos helped a lot today. It always have, and hopefully always will.

Well, I don’t really want to end this post being all sad and stuff, and I want you to know that I really try to think positive, and prevent myself from getting bad again, and I’ll leave you with that. If you have anything you want to get off your chest, any advice, any thoughts in this post or anything else, leave a comment. It’s always appreciated.

So I guess I’ll “see” you soon, then.
Bye guys!