Where did the passion go?

Hello there.

I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If you don’t know what Taekwon-Do is; it’s a martial art.

Anyways, I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If I was having a shitty day, Taekwon-Do practice would make everything better. The people were amazing, I loved doing the things we did, even the exhausting strength training we did. I felt comfortable in the gym during Taekwon-Do lessons. I felt at home there. What happened to those feelings?

I’ve been to quite a few Taekwon-Do tournaments. They’re a lot of fun, and I’ve met so many amazing people there. Some of them I even wound up loving…  Aaaanyways, the tournaments. There are people of all ages at these tournaments, and people of all levels in Taekwon-Do. From green belts (there’s usually a rule saying you can’t compete if you’re on a lower level than the green belt) to black belts. And the black belts have always been amazing in my eyes. No matter who they were, even if they didn’t seem like nice people, I looked up to them. I admired them, because I knew that, in order to get a black belt in Taekwon-Do you need persistence, muscles, brains and patience. It takes years and years to get to their level. It’s incredible how much they must love Taekwon-Do to put so much time and effort into it.

I currently have a red belt with two stripes on it, which means that I am two tests away from getting a black belt. What I have always admired and looked forward to, is so close. I could probably reach black belt within a year. I can finally be one of those people who seem to be able to do anything. So why, then, do i find myself not wanting it?

I still look up to people who practice Taekwon-Do. I look up to them no matter what level they’re on: I look at their passion, and I admire it. Seeing them try and fail and succeed and seeing their progress; it is amazing. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just don’t feel motivated to keep doing this myself.

I’ve lost my spark. I’ve lost all motivation to keep training. Maybe it’s because I have realised that, no matter how much time and effort I put into Taekwon-Do, I will never finish learning it? No, that’s not it. I love learning new things. Is it because of the people attending the lessons? Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, this guy recently started training again after being gone for about a year or two, and it seems like I’ve lost some motivation after he returned.

I’ve also lost my confidence. I used to feel rather good at what I do at practice. Not anymore. Maybe because of the guy who returned (to be honest, he’s not excactly a great guy…). I don’t know.

Maybe I should just quit?

No. I can’t just quit.

Reasons why I can’t just quit:

  1. Friends: I have several friends who I only get to see during tournaments because they live so far off. I can’t just ditch them all…?
  2. Money: my parents have put quite a lot of money into my practice, when I think about it: books, equipment, lessons, tournaments, belt tests. These things cost money. What would they say if I told them I just want to throw all that away? On the other hand, I am bound to quit at some point…
  3.  . . .

Here I am, trying to create a list of reasons why I can’t quit Taekwon-Do. I am realising that there aren’t as many reasons as I thought. I think the main reason why I’m still practicing is that I am afraid of feeling like a failure. I will have let my past self down by not pursuing what I always wanted. So I keep trying to convince myself that it will pass. Soon, my passion for Taekwon-Do will return. I just don’t want to rush anything and then regret it.

Do any of you guys have any advice to give about this? I’d be glad to hear your thoughts.

Until next time,

Stay happy, stay awkward.

P.S: I’m sorry for being very inconsistent with my posting.

Mess / Friends

My life is a mess. A big, tragic mess.

Okay it’s not really such a mess. I suppose that, for someone watching from the outside, my life is nothing special. It’s an alright life. And it is. My life is alright, I suppose. It’s the inside that is a mess.

My emotions are all over the place. I feel like crying, yet I can’t cry. I feel happy, yet I feel sad. It’s still better than being disconnected from it all, though.

I am not sure what I’m doing, and I am not sure what I should be doing. I feel quite confused about a lot of things.

On a happier note, however:

I’m being more social than usual. I’ve been spending more time with my friends. It feels rather nice.

I feel like I’ve really bonded with two of my friends over the past couple of days. I’ve learned that they are actually here for me, more so than I used to think. I showed them what I really feel, and their response made me so happy.  They helped me realise that I actually don’t need to go through everything alone. They let me know they’re here for me, no matter what.

I am not alone. And neither are you, whoever you who is reading this is. If you feel alone, look around and you’ll see someone. I am sure of it.

We are not alone on this planet filled with people.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Nothing special, really

Hey guys! Long time no see! If you want to know why I haven’t been here for… God knows how long… I don’t have any valid reasons. Sorry.

Well, lately everything’s been good. Or, well, at least average. I downloaded this app that tracks my mood to figure out how good a life I’ve got (you know, mood-wise), and ever since then, things have felt better. I think long and hard about how every day has been, what positive and what negative sides there have been to that day. So in average, my mood is alright. I recommend doing something like this (I suppose it’s basically just a diary, but I’m too lazy to be writing a bunch of stuff every day…). The results (at least for me) were surprisingly positive.

I’ve started talking to this guy I met a while back. He’s awesome. However, we are not flirting or anything. You see, he has a girlfriend. I was kind of disappointed when he said it, but of course I still want to talk to him and become better friends. It’s very easy to talk to him. If only he lived in my town, you know. Who knows, maybe we’d be dating (which probably would end bad because let’s be real; not a lot of teenage relationships last) or we’d be good friends. 🙂

I finally managed to cry a couple of weeks ago. I’ll be completely honest here: for some reason I have not been able to cry when I feel like it. In fact, I haven’t been crying for several months, not until that time at least. Now I am glad I’ve gotten over this careless phase, it was pretty bad. I didn’t really feel anything, I cared less than I wish I did. I actually mostly cared about the fact that I didn’t really care about a lot of stuff. But hey, that’s in the past now.

Today’s one of those thinking days. It was an alright day, but later in the evening, my head just started thinking. Not about anything in particular, but it made me kind of like… uhm… thoughtful? Well, I just locked myself into my own brain for a little while, but I think I’m better now.

Other than that, there’s no exciting news. I’m sorry, I promise that I’ll update you if anything worth writing about shows up… or if I just feel like writing something.

Until next time,
Stay happy, stay awkward ^_^

Gender, sexuality & new haircut

I have been thinking more than usual lately. I have been thinking about my gender. I have been thinking about my sexuality. And I have been thinking about getting a haircut. So let’s look through these thoughts, starting with sexuality:

I have for some reason been thinking about my sexuality lately. ¨Am I gay?¨ is a thought that has run through my head many times at the most random moments. After thorough concidering, I have come to the conclusion that I am not gay. Because I am not really attracted to girls. Not mostly at least. If anything I am bisexual, but not gay. So either straight or bi. But does it really matter to me right now? No, it does not; because I am not interested in a relationship or any love stuff or anything at the moment. I am happy by myself, I have great friends, and that is all I need at the time.

Okay, let’s talk about gender. Now, this is something I am more insecure about than my sexuality. But I feel like I’ve come to a decent conclusion for myself: I am a girl, but I am also kind of a little boy. I do not want boy parts and I do not wish I was a boy (well, I do sometimes, but I do not want to actually change into a boy…). However I feel like dressing ¨like a boy¨ pretty often, and I am going to cut my hair short (which I will write about after this). the reason why I wrote ¨like a boy¨ with those dot things (don’t know the word for them), is because I think everyone should be able to dress they want to. Although people may connect that type of clothes with boys, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with girls dressing that way as well. So, I am a girl, but I want to dress excactly the way I want to without others questioning it.

Alright, my haircut! Next week I am going to cut my hair. I have really long hair at the moment, and I am tired of it. It doesn’t feel like me, I want it to change. So I’m going short. Pixie cut short. And I am so excited! I can barely wait! I really hope I will feel like my true self after this. Using hair gel and stuff (like boys do, yes) and, well, just having short hair, it sounds so lovely. It almost feels like I have already cut my hair!

How about you? Do you define your gender differently from your sex? What is your sexuality? Let me know in the comments, I want to have a conversation with you here.

Bye guys,

Stay happy, stay awkward :3