Are there more of him?

Hey guys.

Guess what. I miss him hella lot. It has been, what, 26 days since he ended it? 

(If you’re reading this and don’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about; the first person I’ve ever loved, broke up with me. Somehow I was convinced it would last. At least for longer than it did. Anyways, you can read more about it in my previous posts if you want to.)

So yeah, it has been about 26 days, I think. And I actually miss him more than ever. I guess there’s not really anything weird about it. Missing someone you love. I wonder… I wonder if there are any more like him out there? That I will ever get the chance to meet?

Bilderesultat for heartbreak

There are about 7,4 billion people on Earth. In my country, there are about 5 million. Many are women, many are children and many are in relationships, but there are still a lot of single guys out there. But the thing that worries me, is wether or not there are anyone like him. Or better. More perfect. More lovable. Better looking, kinder, funnier and just all over better. I don’t think so. I try to think positively. I try to think that, although he seems perfect, there is someone out there, even better. It’s difficult, I’m sure you know this. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this heartbreak, I share this feeling with so many other people. Still, though. It’s difficult to stay positive. When will I get over him? When will I be able to move on? When will he move on?

That’s probably what worries me the most, in a way. Him finding somebody else. Him moving on before I’ve done the same. One of us will be the first one to move on, I know. And, it’s probably quite selfish of me to not want to see him together with someone else. But it’s not so weird, is it? I still have feelings for him (for fucks sake, I still love him), and seeing him move on would close that door that is the possibility of us two getting back together.

Bilderesultat for heartbreak

I miss talking to him. I miss playing video games with him. I miss the Skype calls. I miss his voice. I miss his words. I miss everything about him, and everything about us. I wish there was some magical button I could press to make all these emotions go away. Or to bring us back together. Or to erase every memory I have with him. Wait, no, I wouldn’t want to forget him. Holy shit, there is no way I would want to erase the memories I have of him.

He helped me in so many ways. We helped each other, talked about everything. Him and I, we bonded like I’ve never bonded with anyone before. He made me feel like everything would work out. He taught me what it feels like to love someone. And when it all ended, the relationship with my friends grew much stronger. So I have that to thank him for as well.

It was amazing while it lasted, and although I am not sure wether it is possible to feel that way about anyone else, ever, I will not give up on hope. Because since I found him, and he actually felt the same way about me as I did about him, I know that miracles sometimes happen.

Have you experienced heartbreak? How fast did you recover (if you ever did)? Let’s talk about this. Leave a comment if you want to talk about anything. Thanks.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for heartbreak
Stay positive, am I right?

Please don’t

Stop. Stop crying. I’m crying again. However this time with good reason. I wasn’t wrong yesterday. I felt like something was wrong, and it was. And it is.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want it to be true. I want him to feel the same as I do.

He feels better when not being around technology so much. He feels better when being around people. In real life. So I get it, a long-distance relationship doesn’t work for him. I can’t do anything but respect that. I once wrote on a post-it note that, for me to leave him, he would have to ask me to. And today, he did just that.

Of course, he didn’t say it like that. He just made it clear that he didn’t think it  is going to work out. If it was up to me, it would work out, even if we didn’t speak for weeks, it would work out as long as we just got to talk sometimes. But he can’t help it for not feeling the same way. Different people have different needs, and there is only so much one can take.

I’m glad he’s feeling better, though. I hope it continues that way. I wish for only bright days for him. I love him. So I’ll do as he wishes.

Don’t think I’m trying to make him seem like a bad guy, okay? He is the kindest person I’ve ever met. He is amazing in so many ways, and I’ve never felt so safe with anyone ever before. I wish for all the best for him. And at this point, the best for him is to be around people, reading books, things that don’t include technology. Of course I am upset, but there is nothing I can do about it. As I said in a post not long ago: At the end of the day, it is up to him.

So I hope your day is good, guys…

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i still love you

Something happier

Hey guys! So I promised you guys a happier post than the previous one, so here it is.

Remember the guy I mentioned in one of my last posts? The one with a girlfriend? Well, he is single. Or, he was single since a while after that post, up until a few weeks ago. I am also not single anymore. Do you see where I’m going with this? I am sure you do.

So yeah, that happened: We’re in a relationship. I know, he lives far away and all, but not so far that it is impossible to meet him now and then without it being a big journey. (It only takes four hours by bus… heh… hehe…)

If you  have read some of my earlier posts, you might know that I claimed to have fears for certain… activities… Such activities including anything sexual. But, uhm… After visiting this guy for a weekend, I am starting to doubt this. Everything felt so safe when I was with him, as if nothing could hurt me. All insecurities disappeared, and all that was left, was nervousness and excitement. And, if I may say this without it getting too awkward; passion. In all honesty, from the bottom of my heart: I never knew I could feel this way. And I could never have imagined what it would be like. Time stood still, my heart was racing. I felt his heartbeat, I synchronized my breathing with his. I get all the cheesy metaphors now. I get the tumblr quotes. I think… I think I get love.

We did not have sex. There was no pressure to do anything. The things we did, were done because we both wanted to, not because one wanted it and the other one wanted to be nice, or ¨not be a tease¨. It was a perfect weekend. It helped me in so many ways. And, at least it seemed like it; it helped him as well.

We are not perfect, not at all. We have flaws, we have problems. He has problems, big time. And I want to be there for him, for ever. I want to ease his pain in any way possible, even if it means pain for me. As far as I know at the moment, I would do anything for him.

That was just me talking about a happy happening that happened to me. Those were a lot of ¨happ¨s in one sentence… heh. I’ll see you later.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Sobbing. Proper sobbing.

I wasn’t going to write about this. I wanted to put this away. But I couldn’t.

Hey guys. I thought a guy was into me. It clicked. It was an amazing day with talking, laughter and mocking (the flirty kind). The next day? As if nothing had happened. He acted as though the previous day never happened. The previous day he texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch break together with him the next day. I said yes, sure, sounds nice. It didn’t happen. And when I said something about it, he just acted rather cold about it. I do not know if I’ve done anything wrong, or said or not said something I should or shouldn’t have said, he just stopped it. It broke me.

I cried today, guys. Finally, after more than two months without tears, I cried. However, it wasn’t the relief I was hoping for. It was horrible, painful sobbing. I couldn’t breathe, I hyperventilated. I had to sit down, soon I had to lie down. Thank goodness I was home alone. I  cried like that two times today. It hurt so badly. It still hurts. God, how I wish I knew why he did what he did. I wish I understood, or at least got an explanation.

I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away so quickly. Just see what that brought me; nothing but sobbing and pain. I have enough with the people who already are in my life, I don’t need anyone else. That’ll save me from a lot of tears, a lot of pressure, hope and disappointments.

That was all, I just had to get this out of my system. It’s probably not over yet, though. Anyways, I’ll write you again soon, hopefully with something other than this depressing shit.

Stay happy, stay awkward

A little update…?

The following feelings are the feelings I’m feeling at the time:

  • Sadness: I don’t know why…
  • Anxiety: I’m afraid I’m going to struggle mentally in the future, because shit doesn’t really seem to be going great right now…
  • Happiness: I still have reasons to smile, although I don’t really smile a whole lot right now…
  • Anger: Why can’t I just be normal? Happy with myself? Happy with… Well, everything I SHOULD be happy about?!
  • Regret: I regret… And this is something I haven’t even wanted to think in my head until now, but I think I should embrace it… I regret losing my fucking virginity.

Now, this weekend I visited my boyfriend. And, well, we did ¨it¨. I hate thinking about this, I even hate just writing about it, but I think it’s good for me to do it… No more suppressing this shit.

Well, I told my friends about it after maybe fifteen minutes or so, and at this point I didn’t really have any particular feelings or thoughts about what had just happened. My friends were all like ¨Oh boy, we are going to ask you SO many questions about this on Monday!¨

And today, I got interrogated by them. By now, I had started feeling kind of awful about what I had done. I didn’t have any problems with doing ¨it¨ at the time of the ¨event¨, but afterwards, the feeling of disgust and regret filled up in my body, slowly. And so, yesterday, shit simply got too overwhelming.

I guess this ¨event¨ was one of the causes of my disconnecting, although I didn’t want it to be, and still don’t.

I don’t want my friends to think about me not being a virgin every time they see me.  If they keep saying the shit they’ve been saying all day today, I’m going to let them know that.

I… Think that, after this ¨event¨… I feel like I’m kind of… well, not closer to my boyfriend. More like further away from him (can’t think of the word to explain it in English…)

If I could go back in time, I’d most definetly NOT say yes to doing ¨it¨ with him.

Okay, that’s all for now, guys… I’ve said everything I needed to for now. As always, leave a comment if you feel like it…

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Fear

I fear so many things (as you can see in that other post of mine). The deep oceans, getting humiliated, I could go on for a long time. But the thing I’m going to write about today, is my fear of not knowing what people think about me.

Now, I don’t usually worry about wether someone likes me or not, because I know my friends like me and that’s enough. But this one person, you know him from my previous post (the guy I started chatting with, the guy who made me sooo happy) is now making me extremely nervous. You see, I don’t know if he likes me the way I like him.

At first, we both made it clear that we liked each other; one tells the other how great the other person looks today, hearts and kissy emojis is used frequently, all that stuff.
Now, after about a month, he stopped using as many hearts and stuff, he doesn’t text me as often, and it has only gotten worse and worse. I don’t know why, and that makes me sad, worried, and I think about it constantly. This probably sounds very paranoid of me, but trust me: If you had seen how our texts have changed, you’d think something else. He’s more… distant…

So the question is: Should I tell him how I feel? I don’t want to, I just want everything to be like it was in the first place: Me waking up happy every day, thinking about him and smiling, talking to him every hour or so.
But no, here’s what it’s like now: Me waking up not knowing how the day’ll be, thinking about him all the time but not knowing if I should smile or cry, talking to him for about a minute, two times a day.

So; I kind of wish I never even talked to him in the first place, because I don’t want to feel this way, not now. I also want us to talk like we did before. I can manage with us talking maybe three times a day or something, but I want those conversations to be just as great as those before were.

I need your help: What’s the best thing to do here? Continue talking to him like nothing’s wrong and hope for it to go back to normal? Confront him about it, ask him how he feels? Or something else? I don’t know, so please help.

Thanks for reading. Stay (happy), stay awkward…