Some topics I wanna discuss

Hey guys!

Fun fact about me: I don’t really like discussing. Someone always gets all triggered, someone might get pissed at each other, and my opinions are not strong enough to survive an intense discussion (or, so I think). I do have some opinions that other people can’t change, but I just can’t be bothered to try and make others understand or agree with me. What’s the point? I don’t really care if you disagree with me. I also don’t really care if I disagree with you. That is what it is, it’s not a matter of life or death.

So yeah, I’m not a big fan of discussions. I also do not have a lot of statistics and information ready on my computer for a hefty discussion. However, I kinda wanna discuss some topics with someone. Here’s a quick little list:

  • ¨Racism¨
  • ¨Feminism¨
  • ¨Equality¨

Okay so three things on the list. I have some thoughts and stuff about my views on these topics, and a lot of thoughts on people who share their opinions online. Also, notice how I put all the topics in the little ¨ signs? That’s because I know that different people define these words in different ways, which tends to annoy me (because the definition of them for some people are just plain stupid). For the record; not a whole lot of things actually annoy me, so consider it a special occasion when something does.

In conclusion; these are some things I wanna discuss. Whether I will discuss it in a forum/private chat with someone, or if I’ll write about them here, or if I will do nothing at all, only time will tell. I just wanted you to know I have opinions (if anyone wants to talk about the things, let me know!)

Stay happy, stay awkward

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Something happier

Hey guys! So I promised you guys a happier post than the previous one, so here it is.

Remember the guy I mentioned in one of my last posts? The one with a girlfriend? Well, he is single. Or, he was single since a while after that post, up until a few weeks ago. I am also not single anymore. Do you see where I’m going with this? I am sure you do.

So yeah, that happened: We’re in a relationship. I know, he lives far away and all, but not so far that it is impossible to meet him now and then without it being a big journey. (It only takes four hours by bus… heh… hehe…)

If you  have read some of my earlier posts, you might know that I claimed to have fears for certain… activities… Such activities including anything sexual. But, uhm… After visiting this guy for a weekend, I am starting to doubt this. Everything felt so safe when I was with him, as if nothing could hurt me. All insecurities disappeared, and all that was left, was nervousness and excitement. And, if I may say this without it getting too awkward; passion. In all honesty, from the bottom of my heart: I never knew I could feel this way. And I could never have imagined what it would be like. Time stood still, my heart was racing. I felt his heartbeat, I synchronized my breathing with his. I get all the cheesy metaphors now. I get the tumblr quotes. I think… I think I get love.

We did not have sex. There was no pressure to do anything. The things we did, were done because we both wanted to, not because one wanted it and the other one wanted to be nice, or ¨not be a tease¨. It was a perfect weekend. It helped me in so many ways. And, at least it seemed like it; it helped him as well.

We are not perfect, not at all. We have flaws, we have problems. He has problems, big time. And I want to be there for him, for ever. I want to ease his pain in any way possible, even if it means pain for me. As far as I know at the moment, I would do anything for him.

That was just me talking about a happy happening that happened to me. Those were a lot of ¨happ¨s in one sentence… heh. I’ll see you later.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Losing faith in humanity

Hello guys.

I think I’ve always been quite positive towards humanity. I know there are angry people, and mean people. I know that not everyone will be the way I would be. But I’ve always imagined there are more good people than bad people. With that being said, this view has changed lately.

If you didn’t know (I probably didn’t mention it before) I work in retail. More specific, I work at a hardware store. And the customers. Are. Bad.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of nice customers  that make my job quite easy. But in this post I’m gonna focus on the others. Those customers who seem to come into the store just so that they can shout at me for stuff I can’t change. Let me tell you about a few of these:

First of all, a customer from today: A grown man, quite nice, nothing bad about him. He seemed like a polite guy, and I helped him with what he needed help with. He then asked me if I can order this and that (some spare parts for a device). I said ¨Sure, I’ll check it out and get in touch with you.¨ So I was going to check out the total price of this, and then contact him. I did this, and let me tell you: It wans’t all that easy, concidering I’ve never really ordered anything like this before. Anyways, I got some help, found out the price included shipping, and then I gave him a call. Now, my boss told me to tell him that he had to come to the store and pay for the spare parts before we order them. This is what it has pretty much always been like, because of previous happenings where the customer has never come to pick up what we ordered for them, and us thereby having some thingy that noone wants to buy and that was quite expensive…

So yeah, I gave him a call, and when I told him he had to come to the store to pay for the parts before we order it, he snapped. I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing. He went on about how incredible this was, that it couldn’t be possible, that he was going to tell the media about this etc. There I was, 1 minute until I was done for the day, listening to a grown man shouting at me, a 17 year old, for something I cannot change, even if I want to. I tried explaining, but he interrupted me, shouting louder. When I actually did manage to get a sentence into this ¨conversation¨,  I told him, as calmly as I could, that ¨I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about it. My boss told me this is the procedure we follow, and it’s the same as it has been for a very long time.¨ He wouldn’t have it. He yelled some more, and I’d had enough of his bullshit. However, being the person I am, I didn’t say half of the things I would like to say. Shit would get ugly then… I just changed my voice a bit, sounding more upset and stricter, repeating ¨Okay, listen. I am sorry, but as I said, I cannot do anything about it. So there is no point in arguing.¨ He said something about ¨going to the media with this¨ again, and I thought, but dared not say, ¨Well go ahead, it’s not gonna change the standard procedures anyways.¨ And I’d love to throw in a little ¨Prick.¨ into the conversation as well.

The conversation ended with him saying something like this: ¨Okay, I’m going to come tomorrow and talk to your manager about this. And I’m taking this story to the newspaper!¨ I was thinking ¨Okay whatever dude, just calm your tits. This was all extremely unnecessary so please get out of my life.¨ He hung up without saying anything more. So yeah. That was number one.

 

Next up, not too long ago. This one also happened over a telephone ¨conversation¨, less than five minutes after arriving at work. I was in an alright mood, nothing too shabby that day. Then the phone rang. I answered it with the standard ¨*name of store* how can I help you?¨ and the answer stunned me. He said his name, and then it began. He yelled at me, going on about ¨don’t you want customers at your store?¨ and stuff like ¨I am disappointed¨ and then finally I found out what was wrong. I actually had to ask him what was wrong… So he started going on about how he had called several times the day before (for the record, I wasn’t at work the day before) and, well, number 1: it took a while for someone to answer (which is what happens if it’s a busy day at work, concidering we don’t have people working there simply to answer the phone), and when he did get through to someone, he asked them a question, and the worker said he would call him back when he figured it out. Apparently, he never called back. And then this customer decided to take his anger out on me. Can I say he verbally abused me? I mean, he started attacking me, asking if I didn’t want any customers and stuff… This was the first time I actually answered a customer in a strict and mildly pissed voice. Since he wouldn’t shut up, I had to interrupt him, saying something like ¨If you… I… (he wouldn’t shut up) Listen! Okay look, I wasn’t at work yesterday, and I literally just arrived at work now, so let me ask you: Who did you speak to yesterday?¨ He just said he didn’t know, and kept on yelling. I could easily help him, because when I read a post it note the worker from the day before had written, I knew the answer, but this guy was just yelling at me, not even hinting that he wanted an answer. The ¨conversation¨ ended with him saying that he was going to complain to the manager, and then he hung up. I was shaking. Not from fear or anything. Oh no, I was shaking from anger. He was being so unnecessary, and it was so fucking uncalled for. So yeah.

 

Okay so those were the two worst. Maybe. Anyways, the other day, this older guy with a beard (that wasn’t essential to the story or anything…just making the story more alive) was going to pay, and I was near the checkout, helping a customer with some gas grill stuff.  He stood there for approximately 30 seconds or something, and when I walked over to take care of the payment (don’t know how to put it in good english…) the guy started to criticize me for not coming to his rescue sooner. In my head I was like ¨what the actual fuck, dude? What, you want me to just leave a customer in the middle of a conversation to help you?¨ As if that wasn’t enough, he started criticizing the store as well. He said it was a really bad store with a lot of mess and no customer service and stuff. I tried asking him about it, like if he didn’t find any workers around the store, what was so messy (the only mess in the store at the time was literally behind the counter of the paint department because we had just gotten a ton of paint we had ordered), but he wouldn’t let me finish one. single. sentence. He just kept saying ¨No but¨ this and that. And the way he talked to me! It was so patronizing, and he then said something like ¨but you’re just a substitute so…¨ and I was like OH HELL NO. Bitch I’ve worked here for over a year, I have a part time contract, bitch I’m not no substitute! I tried saying something, but he just laughed and said ¨No but¨ this and that. He annoyed me so much I wanted to punch his fugly face with the fucking stuff he bought. I don’t remember wat he bought, but I want to hit him with it. Again: he was being extremely unnecessary.

 

So those were three examples of customers who gradually make me  lose faith in humanity. Of course, there will always be good people in this world (I hope), but some people… I just don’t understand how it makes sense in their heads to yell non stop at me for something I didn’t have anything to do with. And the patonizing way some of them talk to me. I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m not. I wish ther were more smart people in this world. Not necessarily smart as in good in math and science and stuff, but smart as in they don’t do unnecesary stuff like yelling at teenagers for shit that there is no point in being mad about. I understand that one cannot help feeling what they feel, but there is such a thing as hiding your emotions. I do this quite often, but these customers make it quite difficult. I am not even joking: lately I have started being a bit afraid of myself, because I don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain a calm surface when a customer is yelling at me… maybe I should go to some anger management stuff? Or… maybe… all these angry customers should. Yeah. That’d be more useful for everyone.

Sorry for the long rant, I’ll try and make my next post a bit happier.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Sobbing. Proper sobbing.

I wasn’t going to write about this. I wanted to put this away. But I couldn’t.

Hey guys. I thought a guy was into me. It clicked. It was an amazing day with talking, laughter and mocking (the flirty kind). The next day? As if nothing had happened. He acted as though the previous day never happened. The previous day he texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch break together with him the next day. I said yes, sure, sounds nice. It didn’t happen. And when I said something about it, he just acted rather cold about it. I do not know if I’ve done anything wrong, or said or not said something I should or shouldn’t have said, he just stopped it. It broke me.

I cried today, guys. Finally, after more than two months without tears, I cried. However, it wasn’t the relief I was hoping for. It was horrible, painful sobbing. I couldn’t breathe, I hyperventilated. I had to sit down, soon I had to lie down. Thank goodness I was home alone. I  cried like that two times today. It hurt so badly. It still hurts. God, how I wish I knew why he did what he did. I wish I understood, or at least got an explanation.

I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away so quickly. Just see what that brought me; nothing but sobbing and pain. I have enough with the people who already are in my life, I don’t need anyone else. That’ll save me from a lot of tears, a lot of pressure, hope and disappointments.

That was all, I just had to get this out of my system. It’s probably not over yet, though. Anyways, I’ll write you again soon, hopefully with something other than this depressing shit.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Update(?) from previous post

Hey guys! So first of all: I am sorry for taking so long to ¨update¨ you on the thing I wrote in my last post.

And now for the ¨update¨: I’m sorry to say that I don’t quite remember when things changed, nor how they changed. But things took a turn for the better. So now you know. I’m pretty sure it was because of that time of the month, because guess what: That mood shit’s real for some of us.

Short post, I know, but I juust felt like I had to keep my word.

Oh, and here’s some happy news: I’ve made a new friend! Or, this happened quite a while ago, but I haven’t updated you guys lately… Anyways, yeah, I’ve made a new friend, and he’s really nice and I feel like we have a very special friendship unlike any friendship I’ve ever had before. :3

Other than that, nothing new going on.

See ya!

Stay happy, stay awkward

What the heck’s wrong with me?

I mean, am I mentally and/or emotionally unstable? Can someone please explain this to me? What is going on??

Hey guys. So, I’ve had a great day. Top notch, good banter. Played at a concert too. It was fun. All in all, a good day. Until nightfall. I have no idea why, but my mood dropped faster than… I don’t even know what, but it dropped fast. Like, I felt fine one moment, then, the next moment, I felt so angry! It was like, I just felt annoyed and angry at first, but then it evolved to near-breakdown-motherfucking-rage-mode. I just wanted to scream and hit something. And then, without warning, near-breakdown-motherfucking-rage-mode evolved to crying-out-of-frustration-mode. I mean what?? Is this normal? Well, I’m quite sure it’s  not normal, but have any of you guys felt the same way?

Maybe it was just a one time thing? Maybe I just have a lot of feelings wanting to come out after my period of not caring? Speaking of period; maybe It’s almost that time of the month? I mean, I usually feel very down, sad & stuff right before it, and maybe this is something my body does just to get some change? Let’s just hope it’s that fucking period that’s messing me up again. It’s just as terrifying every goddamn time, because every time, I think I’m getting depressed or something.

Okay, so, mystery solved? Perhaps. Let’s hope so. I’ll let you guys know if  figure that I was right. Oh, and a question for all you females out there: What do you experience before and during your period? By that I mean apart from the obvious blood flowing out of your vagina, as if that wasn’t already quite obvious… Okay that was all byeee!

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Nothing special, really

Hey guys! Long time no see! If you want to know why I haven’t been here for… God knows how long… I don’t have any valid reasons. Sorry.

Well, lately everything’s been good. Or, well, at least average. I downloaded this app that tracks my mood to figure out how good a life I’ve got (you know, mood-wise), and ever since then, things have felt better. I think long and hard about how every day has been, what positive and what negative sides there have been to that day. So in average, my mood is alright. I recommend doing something like this (I suppose it’s basically just a diary, but I’m too lazy to be writing a bunch of stuff every day…). The results (at least for me) were surprisingly positive.

I’ve started talking to this guy I met a while back. He’s awesome. However, we are not flirting or anything. You see, he has a girlfriend. I was kind of disappointed when he said it, but of course I still want to talk to him and become better friends. It’s very easy to talk to him. If only he lived in my town, you know. Who knows, maybe we’d be dating (which probably would end bad because let’s be real; not a lot of teenage relationships last) or we’d be good friends. 🙂

I finally managed to cry a couple of weeks ago. I’ll be completely honest here: for some reason I have not been able to cry when I feel like it. In fact, I haven’t been crying for several months, not until that time at least. Now I am glad I’ve gotten over this careless phase, it was pretty bad. I didn’t really feel anything, I cared less than I wish I did. I actually mostly cared about the fact that I didn’t really care about a lot of stuff. But hey, that’s in the past now.

Today’s one of those thinking days. It was an alright day, but later in the evening, my head just started thinking. Not about anything in particular, but it made me kind of like… uhm… thoughtful? Well, I just locked myself into my own brain for a little while, but I think I’m better now.

Other than that, there’s no exciting news. I’m sorry, I promise that I’ll update you if anything worth writing about shows up… or if I just feel like writing something.

Until next time,
Stay happy, stay awkward ^_^