Where did the passion go?

Hello there.

I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If you don’t know what Taekwon-Do is; it’s a martial art.

Anyways, I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If I was having a shitty day, Taekwon-Do practice would make everything better. The people were amazing, I loved doing the things we did, even the exhausting strength training we did. I felt comfortable in the gym during Taekwon-Do lessons. I felt at home there. What happened to those feelings?

I’ve been to quite a few Taekwon-Do tournaments. They’re a lot of fun, and I’ve met so many amazing people there. Some of them I even wound up loving…  Aaaanyways, the tournaments. There are people of all ages at these tournaments, and people of all levels in Taekwon-Do. From green belts (there’s usually a rule saying you can’t compete if you’re on a lower level than the green belt) to black belts. And the black belts have always been amazing in my eyes. No matter who they were, even if they didn’t seem like nice people, I looked up to them. I admired them, because I knew that, in order to get a black belt in Taekwon-Do you need persistence, muscles, brains and patience. It takes years and years to get to their level. It’s incredible how much they must love Taekwon-Do to put so much time and effort into it.

I currently have a red belt with two stripes on it, which means that I am two tests away from getting a black belt. What I have always admired and looked forward to, is so close. I could probably reach black belt within a year. I can finally be one of those people who seem to be able to do anything. So why, then, do i find myself not wanting it?

I still look up to people who practice Taekwon-Do. I look up to them no matter what level they’re on: I look at their passion, and I admire it. Seeing them try and fail and succeed and seeing their progress; it is amazing. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just don’t feel motivated to keep doing this myself.

I’ve lost my spark. I’ve lost all motivation to keep training. Maybe it’s because I have realised that, no matter how much time and effort I put into Taekwon-Do, I will never finish learning it? No, that’s not it. I love learning new things. Is it because of the people attending the lessons? Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, this guy recently started training again after being gone for about a year or two, and it seems like I’ve lost some motivation after he returned.

I’ve also lost my confidence. I used to feel rather good at what I do at practice. Not anymore. Maybe because of the guy who returned (to be honest, he’s not excactly a great guy…). I don’t know.

Maybe I should just quit?

No. I can’t just quit.

Reasons why I can’t just quit:

  1. Friends: I have several friends who I only get to see during tournaments because they live so far off. I can’t just ditch them all…?
  2. Money: my parents have put quite a lot of money into my practice, when I think about it: books, equipment, lessons, tournaments, belt tests. These things cost money. What would they say if I told them I just want to throw all that away? On the other hand, I am bound to quit at some point…
  3.  . . .

Here I am, trying to create a list of reasons why I can’t quit Taekwon-Do. I am realising that there aren’t as many reasons as I thought. I think the main reason why I’m still practicing is that I am afraid of feeling like a failure. I will have let my past self down by not pursuing what I always wanted. So I keep trying to convince myself that it will pass. Soon, my passion for Taekwon-Do will return. I just don’t want to rush anything and then regret it.

Do any of you guys have any advice to give about this? I’d be glad to hear your thoughts.

Until next time,

Stay happy, stay awkward.

P.S: I’m sorry for being very inconsistent with my posting.

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Darn difficult choice

So I have a very difficult choice ahead of me.

I feel like I have to choose between my heart and other people’s expectations. I think I will follow my heart rather than what others expect me to do, but I do not want to let anyone down, and I do not want to seem ungrateful for this opportunity that I have gotten.

Okay, so I will take this from the beginning. My music teacher gave me a piece of paper with information about some kind of advanced music learning programme thing. I could apply to this, and if I got accepted, I would be spending every third weekend in a city, living alone in a hotel room. You see, this learning programme is in a city pretty far away from where I live, and there would be courses and classes the entire weekend. This does sound like a lot of fun, but also a lot of commitment. I would have to change my job weekends (I currently work every other weekend…), I would have much less spare time to hang out with friends or just relax, and it would be expensive with all the travelling and living in a hotel. However, I am not sure if an opportunity like this will ever occur to me again. So you are probably saying ¨Go for it! This is a once ina lifetime opportunity! Do not let it go to waste!¨ However it is not that simple.

First of all: The day of the tryouts (we would have to play our instrument in front of a jury or whatever to show them what we know, and they would decide if we were good enough…) is in the middle of a weekend I have been looking forward to for half a year now. It is a weekend where me and some other musicians will excange music and culture with some scottish teens. I have planned this all out, I have prepared for having to speak english, and I have just been so eager to go there, and now this happens. I have to choose one of these two options.

So, the learning programme lasts for two years. Yep. Two YEARS. That means a lot of money for hotels and driving, and a whole lot of commitment. I just really want to go to that weekend with the scottish teens. Also, I do not think I am ready for such a drastic change…

I want to tell my mum that I do not feel ready for the commitment of this learning programme, and I will also then tell my music teacher.

You see, I am going to go to this kind of learning programme school thing for a year when I graduate, and I am also considering studying music and stuff after that, so I will most definetly learn new and more advanced stuff on my instruments. However that is two years from now. Does it really make a difference, though? Should I not just embrace my last time as a teenager and cruise a little instead of stressing myself out, spending all my money on living in a city every third weekend? Should I not save money, save my nerves and focus on other things like friendship, family, school, and myself? I have my whole life ahead of me, why should I stress this?

No matter what I choose here, I may decline a once in a lifetime opportunity.

What would you do? Give me advice, people. Please.

Stay happy, stay awkward.