Please don’t

Stop. Stop crying. I’m crying again. However this time with good reason. I wasn’t wrong yesterday. I felt like something was wrong, and it was. And it is.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want it to be true. I want him to feel the same as I do.

He feels better when not being around technology so much. He feels better when being around people. In real life. So I get it, a long-distance relationship doesn’t work for him. I can’t do anything but respect that. I once wrote on a post-it note that, for me to leave him, he would have to ask me to. And today, he did just that.

Of course, he didn’t say it like that. He just made it clear that he didn’t think it  is going to work out. If it was up to me, it would work out, even if we didn’t speak for weeks, it would work out as long as we just got to talk sometimes. But he can’t help it for not feeling the same way. Different people have different needs, and there is only so much one can take.

I’m glad he’s feeling better, though. I hope it continues that way. I wish for only bright days for him. I love him. So I’ll do as he wishes.

Don’t think I’m trying to make him seem like a bad guy, okay? He is the kindest person I’ve ever met. He is amazing in so many ways, and I’ve never felt so safe with anyone ever before. I wish for all the best for him. And at this point, the best for him is to be around people, reading books, things that don’t include technology. Of course I am upset, but there is nothing I can do about it. As I said in a post not long ago: At the end of the day, it is up to him.

So I hope your day is good, guys…

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i still love you

Stop

Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Please, stop crying.

Why am I crying?

I am overthinking.

Overanalyzing.

It must all be in my head.

I see how stupid my mind is when I search through the evidence.

There is nothing to cry about. I’m sure of it.

I wish for summer to get here. Not because it’s my favourite season (winter is my favourite). No, I wish for summer to come because he likes it. He likes the light. He is better then. Not as sad, a bit more happy. Much more happy, actually.

Stop. Stop it. Please. I beg of myself.

This is ridiculous. I am sure there is nothing to cry about. At this point, I am not even sure why I am crying. When it started, I knew. But the reason why I started crying is not the reason why I am crying now. I do not know why I am crying now. For I know it is dumb.

Calm down.

I’m calm.

Probably not for long…

But for now

I am calmer.

Sobbing. Proper sobbing.

I wasn’t going to write about this. I wanted to put this away. But I couldn’t.

Hey guys. I thought a guy was into me. It clicked. It was an amazing day with talking, laughter and mocking (the flirty kind). The next day? As if nothing had happened. He acted as though the previous day never happened. The previous day he texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch break together with him the next day. I said yes, sure, sounds nice. It didn’t happen. And when I said something about it, he just acted rather cold about it. I do not know if I’ve done anything wrong, or said or not said something I should or shouldn’t have said, he just stopped it. It broke me.

I cried today, guys. Finally, after more than two months without tears, I cried. However, it wasn’t the relief I was hoping for. It was horrible, painful sobbing. I couldn’t breathe, I hyperventilated. I had to sit down, soon I had to lie down. Thank goodness I was home alone. I  cried like that two times today. It hurt so badly. It still hurts. God, how I wish I knew why he did what he did. I wish I understood, or at least got an explanation.

I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away so quickly. Just see what that brought me; nothing but sobbing and pain. I have enough with the people who already are in my life, I don’t need anyone else. That’ll save me from a lot of tears, a lot of pressure, hope and disappointments.

That was all, I just had to get this out of my system. It’s probably not over yet, though. Anyways, I’ll write you again soon, hopefully with something other than this depressing shit.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Ugly-crying

Everything has been wrong lately. I feel like crying for no reason, or, no reason that I know. I’m starting to think I might be depressed, but I don’t want to think that.

I want to be one of the happy people. The girl that smiles and wears colorful clothes. Not the sad girl with dark clothes.

It started a couple of days ago. I’ve learned something through the past year: If my expectations for the day are high, I’m most likely gonna be disappointed. So, I decided to have low expectations that day too. And everything screwed up. I ugly-cried after a really sad movie we watched at school. It was really awkward, and I felt like shit afterwards. After that day, I’ve been really upset almost all the time.

Tomorrow I’m visiting a friend. I’m afraid I’m gonna be like this when I’m there, too. I don’t want her to think that I’m sad.

Is there any people out there who is depressed? I need to know if I’m heading in that directon too. And if I am, what might help.