Are there more of him?

Hey guys.

Guess what. I miss him hella lot. It has been, what, 26 days since he ended it? 

(If you’re reading this and don’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about; the first person I’ve ever loved, broke up with me. Somehow I was convinced it would last. At least for longer than it did. Anyways, you can read more about it in my previous posts if you want to.)

So yeah, it has been about 26 days, I think. And I actually miss him more than ever. I guess there’s not really anything weird about it. Missing someone you love. I wonder… I wonder if there are any more like him out there? That I will ever get the chance to meet?

Bilderesultat for heartbreak

There are about 7,4 billion people on Earth. In my country, there are about 5 million. Many are women, many are children and many are in relationships, but there are still a lot of single guys out there. But the thing that worries me, is wether or not there are anyone like him. Or better. More perfect. More lovable. Better looking, kinder, funnier and just all over better. I don’t think so. I try to think positively. I try to think that, although he seems perfect, there is someone out there, even better. It’s difficult, I’m sure you know this. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this heartbreak, I share this feeling with so many other people. Still, though. It’s difficult to stay positive. When will I get over him? When will I be able to move on? When will he move on?

That’s probably what worries me the most, in a way. Him finding somebody else. Him moving on before I’ve done the same. One of us will be the first one to move on, I know. And, it’s probably quite selfish of me to not want to see him together with someone else. But it’s not so weird, is it? I still have feelings for him (for fucks sake, I still love him), and seeing him move on would close that door that is the possibility of us two getting back together.

Bilderesultat for heartbreak

I miss talking to him. I miss playing video games with him. I miss the Skype calls. I miss his voice. I miss his words. I miss everything about him, and everything about us. I wish there was some magical button I could press to make all these emotions go away. Or to bring us back together. Or to erase every memory I have with him. Wait, no, I wouldn’t want to forget him. Holy shit, there is no way I would want to erase the memories I have of him.

He helped me in so many ways. We helped each other, talked about everything. Him and I, we bonded like I’ve never bonded with anyone before. He made me feel like everything would work out. He taught me what it feels like to love someone. And when it all ended, the relationship with my friends grew much stronger. So I have that to thank him for as well.

It was amazing while it lasted, and although I am not sure wether it is possible to feel that way about anyone else, ever, I will not give up on hope. Because since I found him, and he actually felt the same way about me as I did about him, I know that miracles sometimes happen.

Have you experienced heartbreak? How fast did you recover (if you ever did)? Let’s talk about this. Leave a comment if you want to talk about anything. Thanks.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for heartbreak
Stay positive, am I right?

Please don’t

Stop. Stop crying. I’m crying again. However this time with good reason. I wasn’t wrong yesterday. I felt like something was wrong, and it was. And it is.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want it to be true. I want him to feel the same as I do.

He feels better when not being around technology so much. He feels better when being around people. In real life. So I get it, a long-distance relationship doesn’t work for him. I can’t do anything but respect that. I once wrote on a post-it note that, for me to leave him, he would have to ask me to. And today, he did just that.

Of course, he didn’t say it like that. He just made it clear that he didn’t think it  is going to work out. If it was up to me, it would work out, even if we didn’t speak for weeks, it would work out as long as we just got to talk sometimes. But he can’t help it for not feeling the same way. Different people have different needs, and there is only so much one can take.

I’m glad he’s feeling better, though. I hope it continues that way. I wish for only bright days for him. I love him. So I’ll do as he wishes.

Don’t think I’m trying to make him seem like a bad guy, okay? He is the kindest person I’ve ever met. He is amazing in so many ways, and I’ve never felt so safe with anyone ever before. I wish for all the best for him. And at this point, the best for him is to be around people, reading books, things that don’t include technology. Of course I am upset, but there is nothing I can do about it. As I said in a post not long ago: At the end of the day, it is up to him.

So I hope your day is good, guys…

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i still love you

Something I wrote to calm myself

It is indeed difficult. Quite difficult. I can have all the trust in him; I can give all my support to him. I can think, hope, and believe anything I want, but at the end of the day, I stand powerless. Helpless. Out of control. It is all up to him. Sure, I can try to help him, I can try. I can try all I want, I might even affect his choices. But I cannot decide what the final outcome will be. That is up to noone other than himself.

It makes me mad. I shall not lie; it does make me mad. However, I cannot really be mad. I can at least not show him I am mad, for I fear that it would make it worse.

Or maybe he needs to see that it upsets me? Show him that I actually do care about him and his choices, and that if he does these things, it will upset me beacuse I do not wish to see him like this.

No, I should rather just show him my support, tell him I’m there for him, tell him not to worry.

Then again, he must know he is being stupid, right? I am not okay with him doing this to himself. I can tell he is not okay with it either. But why, then, does he do it? Like with so many topics; I wish I knew.

Bilderesultat for i love you

What can I say? What should I say? Anything could potentially sound self-centered if I try to put some sense into his head. I am trying to help him. I am not trying to make everything about me. Or, am I? I don’t think I am…?

No. I will not lecture him. I cannot even understand what he is feeling, what he is thinking. I can try, but I have not been in his situation, so I cannot fully understand. I will let him learn by himself, and I will be there for him, no matter what.

In all honesty, the only thing that could ever make me leave him is if he told me to do so.

So yeah, I will tell him that I do not like seeing him like this, and he’ll probably say something like ¨I understand, but don’t wory too much. I’ll be fine.¨ I sure hope he will be fine. I hope he will not do this again. But, as I said earlier; I can hope all I want, but at the end of the day, it is up to him.

Bilderesultat for im there for you

Hey guys. My boyfriend got high today. It was not a good high. He was not feeling okay. I am worried, and I had a lot of feelings and did not know what to tell him or what to do. So I wrote this. It helped. I feel better now, and after having a serious talk with me and having a shower, my boyfriend too feels a bit better. I’m adding some cheesy tumblr-like quotes here and there in this, because they describe my feelings right now… Feelings of love, that is, for I love him. Although I am upset, I love him, and I wish him all the best, always.

Bilderesultat for i cant put into words how much I care

I’ll talk to you guys later

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i love you

Something happier

Hey guys! So I promised you guys a happier post than the previous one, so here it is.

Remember the guy I mentioned in one of my last posts? The one with a girlfriend? Well, he is single. Or, he was single since a while after that post, up until a few weeks ago. I am also not single anymore. Do you see where I’m going with this? I am sure you do.

So yeah, that happened: We’re in a relationship. I know, he lives far away and all, but not so far that it is impossible to meet him now and then without it being a big journey. (It only takes four hours by bus… heh… hehe…)

If you  have read some of my earlier posts, you might know that I claimed to have fears for certain… activities… Such activities including anything sexual. But, uhm… After visiting this guy for a weekend, I am starting to doubt this. Everything felt so safe when I was with him, as if nothing could hurt me. All insecurities disappeared, and all that was left, was nervousness and excitement. And, if I may say this without it getting too awkward; passion. In all honesty, from the bottom of my heart: I never knew I could feel this way. And I could never have imagined what it would be like. Time stood still, my heart was racing. I felt his heartbeat, I synchronized my breathing with his. I get all the cheesy metaphors now. I get the tumblr quotes. I think… I think I get love.

We did not have sex. There was no pressure to do anything. The things we did, were done because we both wanted to, not because one wanted it and the other one wanted to be nice, or ¨not be a tease¨. It was a perfect weekend. It helped me in so many ways. And, at least it seemed like it; it helped him as well.

We are not perfect, not at all. We have flaws, we have problems. He has problems, big time. And I want to be there for him, for ever. I want to ease his pain in any way possible, even if it means pain for me. As far as I know at the moment, I would do anything for him.

That was just me talking about a happy happening that happened to me. Those were a lot of ¨happ¨s in one sentence… heh. I’ll see you later.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

I love you . . . ?

THOSE. WORDS. Filled with emotions. Filled with… Well… Love. Here is my story with this phrase and why I do not use it.

If you have read my previous posts, you know about my ex. Now, he started saying he loved me from very early in our relationship. The first time he said it, I was like ¨What. The. Fuck. No. Nonono please dear God no. Do I have to say it back now? What about my promise?¨ What is my promise? My promise is that I will not say those words if I am not absolutely sure that I mean them. Don’t get me wrong; I was IN LOVE with him. I had feelings for him. However I did NOT love him.

How can I say this? Easy: I do not know what love is. I mean, I know about caring for each other and all that stuff, but true love? Never experienced that, and I probably wont for many years.

So, my ex. He said he loved me, and I just kind of talked it away or something. Some time later I explained to him what those words mean to me, and that I did not feel comfortable saying them to him because I feel like they are words that belong to grown ups who hve had more than just one relationship in their life, or at least have been together for a really long time. He said he understood, but he kept saying it to me. I am not sure if he actually understood the great meaning the words have for me, and I am not sure if he wanted me to still say it back, or if he was fine with me not saying it.

After a while, we found this kind of golden mean: A sort of goofy variety of the words. You know, kind of like that dog that can ¨talk¨ and goes ¨I raw yoooou¨… It kind of took the serious love part away from it, which made me a little more comfortable saying it.

Well, that was pretty much it. So to sum up my opinion on the words ¨I love you¨: They are for those who LOVE each other, NOT for those who are IN LOVE with each  other. A teenager can not know what true love is in my opinion. I know, maybe you have another opinion, but this is at least mine.

Let me know in the comments what you opnion on these magical words are. Do you use the phrase? If so, how often? I am very interested in hearing your stories and views on these things.

So I’ll talk to you later, guys. Have a nice weekend. 😀

Stay happy, stay awkward

Good news! For me at least…♡

Hey guys. So I think I kind of have a boyfriend. Well, I guess I do, because I like him and he likes me and so we figured we would “be together”. Just one tiny problem though: He lives at the other side of the country. And I haven’t met him, but I know he is who he says he is, don’t worry about that. I actually met him at “hot or not” (you’ve heard of this app, right?) Well, we started talking, and now, after maybe two or three weeks, I guess we got feelings for each other. And it doesn’t make sense that he says all this to get laid, I mean, not a great chance of that happening…

Well, I’m sooo happy that there are actually someone in this world who likes me, although he probably knows about, like, 10% of my life. I know very little about him as well, but it doesn’t matter. I enjoy having someone to talk to, other than friends and family. And I actually really hope we get to meet some time. It may not be a realistic hope, but it’s still a hope. ♡

Oh, and while I remember it, WELCOME, dear new follower, Hannahabell1013 (if I wrote that correctly). I hope you like my blog, although I don’t really post a lot.

Well, that’s it for now, just felt like sharing my feelings with the Internet, once again. Oh, and of you have any requests on posts or something, have thoughts on any of my posts, don’t hesitate to leave a comment on one of my posts. It’s deeply appreciated. 🙂

See ya!