Sobbing. Proper sobbing.

I wasn’t going to write about this. I wanted to put this away. But I couldn’t.

Hey guys. I thought a guy was into me. It clicked. It was an amazing day with talking, laughter and mocking (the flirty kind). The next day? As if nothing had happened. He acted as though the previous day never happened. The previous day he texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch break together with him the next day. I said yes, sure, sounds nice. It didn’t happen. And when I said something about it, he just acted rather cold about it. I do not know if I’ve done anything wrong, or said or not said something I should or shouldn’t have said, he just stopped it. It broke me.

I cried today, guys. Finally, after more than two months without tears, I cried. However, it wasn’t the relief I was hoping for. It was horrible, painful sobbing. I couldn’t breathe, I hyperventilated. I had to sit down, soon I had to lie down. Thank goodness I was home alone. I  cried like that two times today. It hurt so badly. It still hurts. God, how I wish I knew why he did what he did. I wish I understood, or at least got an explanation.

I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away so quickly. Just see what that brought me; nothing but sobbing and pain. I have enough with the people who already are in my life, I don’t need anyone else. That’ll save me from a lot of tears, a lot of pressure, hope and disappointments.

That was all, I just had to get this out of my system. It’s probably not over yet, though. Anyways, I’ll write you again soon, hopefully with something other than this depressing shit.

Stay happy, stay awkward

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Updated phobias; some real talk

So I looked at my previous ¨phobias¨ post, and figured that it’s a little… well… It’s not that accurate. I therefore decided to create a new list of my phobias, this time with a little more research and thought behind each phobia. However, I chose to leave the previous post about phobias, just so that you can see the difference. So yeah, enjoy reading about my fears, you weird sociopaths… Just kidding, I hope you’re normal.

My phobias

  1. Thalassophobia Fear of the sea: I have this, and I’ve known it for just about my entire life. It’s not just because of sharks and fish and that stuff (although they’re pretty creepy too), but it’s just… All this unknown space, all around. Space, as in outer space, as in stars and planets, do not freak me out. I suppose this is because I can actually be at sea, and I know that ¨this is not my turf. This is the turf of sharks and whales and fish and all these things we haven’t even seen yet.¨ I just feel helpless.
  2. Enochlophobia Fear of crowded places: You probably already knew both this one and number one. Crowded places freak me out. My heart starts racing, it suddenly feels like the room is on fire, and I just have to get to a place with less people. This is one of several reasons why I do not really want to go to parties and such. I have never been to a party, even though my friends have tried again and again to make me go with them. I am more fan of sitting alone in a room, gaming or something.
  3.  ErotophobiaFear of sex, or fear of things related to sex: This one gets kind of complicated. You see, erotophobia is ¨a generalized term that encompasses a wide range of specific fears.¨ (quoted from this website.) So, erotophobia include any phobia connected with sex and stuff like that. And, here are the specific phobias I (am pretty sure I) have when it comes to these things:

Genophobia/coitophobiaFear of sex: Quite simply, the fear of sexual intercourse. I did not have any issues with kissing or cuddling when I was in a relationship, but the more sexual part was very frightening, and after all the things my ex and I did, I am afraid I have ruined myself. I no longer want sexual… Stuff… I mean, I sometimes want it, but if I got the opportunity I would just lock down and say NOPE.

Fear of intimacy and fear of vunerability: Not only when it comes to sexual things, but also sharing personal stories and inner feelings and thoughts. That’s why I find this blog a good way to push my comfort zone. You see, I do not really feel comfortable writing about these things, but I try to post as much as possible of the things I write (I write a lot here, but I rarely post it). Also, when it comes to actually talking seriously to someone about feelings or, well, just serious stuff, I struggle. I just don’t know what to say or what to do, or where to look or what expression to make.

Gymnophobia – Fear of nudity: I have poor self esteem. Just saying. I do not find my body nice to look at, so therefore I do not see how someone else can. They can say whatever they want, but there’s something telling me that I am not pretty, my body is too big, and I should be like ¨the others¨.

So there you have it. Number 3 on this list turned out to be quite complicated, but oh well… You see, these phobias (the ones on number 3, mostly) have caused quite a lot of pain and trouble for me. I could have been so confident. I could have been so much happier. But no. These fucking phobias keep messing with my head, making me feel the need to push people away from my inner feelings and thoughts. Not even my closest friend knows anything about this. This is one of those things I do not tell anyone. I didn’t even hint at it to my ex. He probably just thought I was weird or something. I don’t know.

Do you reckognize yourself in anything that I’ve written today? Let me know if you do.

Stay happy, stay brave, stay awkward

I love you . . . ?

THOSE. WORDS. Filled with emotions. Filled with… Well… Love. Here is my story with this phrase and why I do not use it.

If you have read my previous posts, you know about my ex. Now, he started saying he loved me from very early in our relationship. The first time he said it, I was like ¨What. The. Fuck. No. Nonono please dear God no. Do I have to say it back now? What about my promise?¨ What is my promise? My promise is that I will not say those words if I am not absolutely sure that I mean them. Don’t get me wrong; I was IN LOVE with him. I had feelings for him. However I did NOT love him.

How can I say this? Easy: I do not know what love is. I mean, I know about caring for each other and all that stuff, but true love? Never experienced that, and I probably wont for many years.

So, my ex. He said he loved me, and I just kind of talked it away or something. Some time later I explained to him what those words mean to me, and that I did not feel comfortable saying them to him because I feel like they are words that belong to grown ups who hve had more than just one relationship in their life, or at least have been together for a really long time. He said he understood, but he kept saying it to me. I am not sure if he actually understood the great meaning the words have for me, and I am not sure if he wanted me to still say it back, or if he was fine with me not saying it.

After a while, we found this kind of golden mean: A sort of goofy variety of the words. You know, kind of like that dog that can ¨talk¨ and goes ¨I raw yoooou¨… It kind of took the serious love part away from it, which made me a little more comfortable saying it.

Well, that was pretty much it. So to sum up my opinion on the words ¨I love you¨: They are for those who LOVE each other, NOT for those who are IN LOVE with each  other. A teenager can not know what true love is in my opinion. I know, maybe you have another opinion, but this is at least mine.

Let me know in the comments what you opnion on these magical words are. Do you use the phrase? If so, how often? I am very interested in hearing your stories and views on these things.

So I’ll talk to you later, guys. Have a nice weekend. 😀

Stay happy, stay awkward

Seeing someone get hurt

Hey guys. Long time, no see, right? I think so…

Anyhow, today I am going to write to you about a big fear of mine at the time: I fear that one of my best friends will get seriously hurt because of some douchebag. So, I am going to explain this to you, from the beginning.

It started a year ago  or something like that. She (my friend) had feelings for him (the douchebag). Now, I have never been much of a fan of this guy, because I have always thought he looks kind of arrogant. However, I do noot know him so I decided not to judge the book by its cover. So this guy did some things that were certain signs that he was into my friend as well, and of course she was so happy. They texted a lot, there were a bunch of flirting (and some… pictures… she told me this later on) and she was thrilled. I was also happy for them and was shipping them. Maybe this guy isn’t such a bad guy after all?

Then, one day, my friend gathered courage enough to talk about relationship stuff with him. What did he reply with? He was NOT into her at all, not like that. Apparently, he was just ¨testing her boundaries¨. This made me very angry, and I was convinced she would stop talking to this jerk. But no; she kept talking to him and they both sent pictures… and stuff… And I could not at all understand this. However I figured I would let her follow her feelings.

A long time passed, and I started hating this dude more and more. He insulted her all the time, he insulted her FRIENDS (like, he said we were all super childish and stuff. Apparently, being happy and NOT fucking mysterious and shit, is the same as being childish. Alright, the more you know…..) Now, I’ve told her this many times: I do not care that he thinks I am like this or that. However, when he insults HER. STRAIGHT. TO. HER. OWN. FACE. That’s when I get real pissed off. I will not have any man (or woman…) disrespecting my best friend! Buuuuut, she didn’t seem to mind. She even told me she agreed; we were all childish. And she was often being dramatic about stuff. I did NOT agree.

Jumping in time, to a couple of weeks ago. He wanted her to visit him. I did not hear about her visit for a long time (which means about a week or something) because she knows that I do not like him. I made it clear to her that I want to hear about these things although I do not like him. It is the frindship codex: We tell each other these things.So she told me all about her romantic visit. Apparently, he now seems to be into her again, and not just as a friend. I do not belive this for one moment. I am so afraid he will hurt her badly, worse than the last time (which was pretty bad). The others in the friend group agree: We do not like him and he is bad for her. He has done this several times before to her: Luring her in, flirting, all these things, and then going ¨Oh, you really think I would want to date YOU? Grow up, I am above you.¨ It just hurts so bad to think that she might get totally heartbroken one day.

It’s all these changes she makes to make him like her, you know. I fear that she will lose herself, possibly push us all away if things get out of hand. He is manipulating her, and she seems totally fine with it. Probably because she des not realise it herself. Ever since they started talking she has changed in a way. I miss the good old friend I once had. Lately I have been starting to doubt that I can even call her my best friend anymore. And I dare not to tell her what I fer will happen, because I am certain she will get upset and defensive and angry with me, and the last thing I want to do is push her away. I want to protect her. I wish I knew that she is smarter than this, but I cannot know this.

Help me, guys, is there anything I can do here? Anything at all? I am desperate, because I see everything getting out of hand already. I do not want her to break down, I  cannot even stand the thought of it.

Even if you experience hard times:

Stay happy, stay awkward

Left Again

This stuff is very… yeah… it’s good… It’s great. It made a strong impression o.O ❤

HarsH ReaLiTy

Replays of a forgotten past trying desperately to be remembered. I see fleeting images before my sleeping eyes. A reel of time that spins with desperation to reach the end. How desperately I reach out to the slow its movement if only for a second. Stopping the beating of my life so I can catch my breath. Breathless because each atom around me belongs to another. I search for meaning within the meaning of others. A life still not my own.

Left again… must I always be left? Why can’t I for once leave you? Leaving you to feel what it is like to be so very small. To watch as the towers of reality walk around your inconceivable dilemma. Will someone hear your wail of need or ignore it as you ignored mine the day you walked away. Leaving me to be left again, an endless reel of time I…

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For Males Only – “Women are EASY to Understand”

HarsH ReaLiTy

I see a lot of articles by both men and women claiming that “women are hard to understand.” Why do people find women so complex and difficult to decipher? I figured it was my duty to provide some basic pieces of information for those “lost souls” that cannot understand the opposite sex. You may thank me later world.

Women want a manly man. They want a guy that can rundown a bull and belt out poetry while fighting bad guys with one hand. One tip I hand to men is to always carry a whistle on a date. This isn’t a “rape whistle,” but in fact a “notice me asshole Taxi Driver” whistle! Nothing is more emasculating than franticly trying to wave down a taxi and getting passed by time and time again. Then the woman raises a pinky and “WALLAH” your chariot has arrived! I have solved this problem…

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Intro

Hey guys. My name is Awkwardgirl99. I’m going to remain anonymous, and I’m probably not gonna blog a lot. Just once in a while.I’m not English (or anything like that), so sorry if I spell something wrong.

So, anyway, I’m just gonna blog about my life, wich can be pretty awkward. So, enjoy my blog, or don’t. It’s your choice, I’m gonna keep blogging no matter how few or how many that reads it.