Where did the passion go?

Hello there.

I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If you don’t know what Taekwon-Do is; it’s a martial art.

Anyways, I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If I was having a shitty day, Taekwon-Do practice would make everything better. The people were amazing, I loved doing the things we did, even the exhausting strength training we did. I felt comfortable in the gym during Taekwon-Do lessons. I felt at home there. What happened to those feelings?

I’ve been to quite a few Taekwon-Do tournaments. They’re a lot of fun, and I’ve met so many amazing people there. Some of them I even wound up loving…  Aaaanyways, the tournaments. There are people of all ages at these tournaments, and people of all levels in Taekwon-Do. From green belts (there’s usually a rule saying you can’t compete if you’re on a lower level than the green belt) to black belts. And the black belts have always been amazing in my eyes. No matter who they were, even if they didn’t seem like nice people, I looked up to them. I admired them, because I knew that, in order to get a black belt in Taekwon-Do you need persistence, muscles, brains and patience. It takes years and years to get to their level. It’s incredible how much they must love Taekwon-Do to put so much time and effort into it.

I currently have a red belt with two stripes on it, which means that I am two tests away from getting a black belt. What I have always admired and looked forward to, is so close. I could probably reach black belt within a year. I can finally be one of those people who seem to be able to do anything. So why, then, do i find myself not wanting it?

I still look up to people who practice Taekwon-Do. I look up to them no matter what level they’re on: I look at their passion, and I admire it. Seeing them try and fail and succeed and seeing their progress; it is amazing. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just don’t feel motivated to keep doing this myself.

I’ve lost my spark. I’ve lost all motivation to keep training. Maybe it’s because I have realised that, no matter how much time and effort I put into Taekwon-Do, I will never finish learning it? No, that’s not it. I love learning new things. Is it because of the people attending the lessons? Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, this guy recently started training again after being gone for about a year or two, and it seems like I’ve lost some motivation after he returned.

I’ve also lost my confidence. I used to feel rather good at what I do at practice. Not anymore. Maybe because of the guy who returned (to be honest, he’s not excactly a great guy…). I don’t know.

Maybe I should just quit?

No. I can’t just quit.

Reasons why I can’t just quit:

1. Friends: I have several friends who I only get to see during tournaments because they live so far off. I can’t just ditch them all…?
2. Money: my parents have put quite a lot of money into my practice, when I think about it: books, equipment, lessons, tournaments, belt tests. These things cost money. What would they say if I told them I just want to throw all that away? On the other hand, I am bound to quit at some point…
3.  . . .

Here I am, trying to create a list of reasons why I can’t quit Taekwon-Do. I am realising that there aren’t as many reasons as I thought. I think the main reason why I’m still practicing is that I am afraid of feeling like a failure. I will have let my past self down by not pursuing what I always wanted. So I keep trying to convince myself that it will pass. Soon, my passion for Taekwon-Do will return. I just don’t want to rush anything and then regret it.

Do any of you guys have any advice to give about this? I’d be glad to hear your thoughts.

Until next time,

Stay happy, stay awkward.

P.S: I’m sorry for being very inconsistent with my posting.

Are there more of him?

Hey guys.

Guess what. I miss him hella lot. It has been, what, 26 days since he ended it? 

(If you’re reading this and don’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about; the first person I’ve ever loved, broke up with me. Somehow I was convinced it would last. At least for longer than it did. Anyways, you can read more about it in my previous posts if you want to.)

So yeah, it has been about 26 days, I think. And I actually miss him more than ever. I guess there’s not really anything weird about it. Missing someone you love. I wonder… I wonder if there are any more like him out there? That I will ever get the chance to meet?

There are about 7,4 billion people on Earth. In my country, there are about 5 million. Many are women, many are children and many are in relationships, but there are still a lot of single guys out there. But the thing that worries me, is wether or not there are anyone like him. Or better. More perfect. More lovable. Better looking, kinder, funnier and just all over better. I don’t think so. I try to think positively. I try to think that, although he seems perfect, there is someone out there, even better. It’s difficult, I’m sure you know this. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this heartbreak, I share this feeling with so many other people. Still, though. It’s difficult to stay positive. When will I get over him? When will I be able to move on? When will he move on?

That’s probably what worries me the most, in a way. Him finding somebody else. Him moving on before I’ve done the same. One of us will be the first one to move on, I know. And, it’s probably quite selfish of me to not want to see him together with someone else. But it’s not so weird, is it? I still have feelings for him (for fucks sake, I still love him), and seeing him move on would close that door that is the possibility of us two getting back together.

I miss talking to him. I miss playing video games with him. I miss the Skype calls. I miss his voice. I miss his words. I miss everything about him, and everything about us. I wish there was some magical button I could press to make all these emotions go away. Or to bring us back together. Or to erase every memory I have with him. Wait, no, I wouldn’t want to forget him. Holy shit, there is no way I would want to erase the memories I have of him.

He helped me in so many ways. We helped each other, talked about everything. Him and I, we bonded like I’ve never bonded with anyone before. He made me feel like everything would work out. He taught me what it feels like to love someone. And when it all ended, the relationship with my friends grew much stronger. So I have that to thank him for as well.

It was amazing while it lasted, and although I am not sure wether it is possible to feel that way about anyone else, ever, I will not give up on hope. Because since I found him, and he actually felt the same way about me as I did about him, I know that miracles sometimes happen.

Have you experienced heartbreak? How fast did you recover (if you ever did)? Let’s talk about this. Leave a comment if you want to talk about anything. Thanks.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Stay positive, am I right?

Mess / Friends

My life is a mess. A big, tragic mess.

Okay it’s not really such a mess. I suppose that, for someone watching from the outside, my life is nothing special. It’s an alright life. And it is. My life is alright, I suppose. It’s the inside that is a mess.

My emotions are all over the place. I feel like crying, yet I can’t cry. I feel happy, yet I feel sad. It’s still better than being disconnected from it all, though.

I am not sure what I’m doing, and I am not sure what I should be doing. I feel quite confused about a lot of things.

On a happier note, however:

I’m being more social than usual. I’ve been spending more time with my friends. It feels rather nice.

I feel like I’ve really bonded with two of my friends over the past couple of days. I’ve learned that they are actually here for me, more so than I used to think. I showed them what I really feel, and their response made me so happy.  They helped me realise that I actually don’t need to go through everything alone. They let me know they’re here for me, no matter what.

I am not alone. And neither are you, whoever you who is reading this is. If you feel alone, look around and you’ll see someone. I am sure of it.

We are not alone on this planet filled with people.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Something I wrote to calm myself

It is indeed difficult. Quite difficult. I can have all the trust in him; I can give all my support to him. I can think, hope, and believe anything I want, but at the end of the day, I stand powerless. Helpless. Out of control. It is all up to him. Sure, I can try to help him, I can try. I can try all I want, I might even affect his choices. But I cannot decide what the final outcome will be. That is up to noone other than himself.

It makes me mad. I shall not lie; it does make me mad. However, I cannot really be mad. I can at least not show him I am mad, for I fear that it would make it worse.

Or maybe he needs to see that it upsets me? Show him that I actually do care about him and his choices, and that if he does these things, it will upset me beacuse I do not wish to see him like this.

No, I should rather just show him my support, tell him I’m there for him, tell him not to worry.

Then again, he must know he is being stupid, right? I am not okay with him doing this to himself. I can tell he is not okay with it either. But why, then, does he do it? Like with so many topics; I wish I knew.

What can I say? What should I say? Anything could potentially sound self-centered if I try to put some sense into his head. I am trying to help him. I am not trying to make everything about me. Or, am I? I don’t think I am…?

No. I will not lecture him. I cannot even understand what he is feeling, what he is thinking. I can try, but I have not been in his situation, so I cannot fully understand. I will let him learn by himself, and I will be there for him, no matter what.

In all honesty, the only thing that could ever make me leave him is if he told me to do so.

So yeah, I will tell him that I do not like seeing him like this, and he’ll probably say something like ¨I understand, but don’t wory too much. I’ll be fine.¨ I sure hope he will be fine. I hope he will not do this again. But, as I said earlier; I can hope all I want, but at the end of the day, it is up to him.

Hey guys. My boyfriend got high today. It was not a good high. He was not feeling okay. I am worried, and I had a lot of feelings and did not know what to tell him or what to do. So I wrote this. It helped. I feel better now, and after having a serious talk with me and having a shower, my boyfriend too feels a bit better. I’m adding some cheesy tumblr-like quotes here and there in this, because they describe my feelings right now… Feelings of love, that is, for I love him. Although I am upset, I love him, and I wish him all the best, always.

I’ll talk to you guys later

Stay happy, stay awkward

Sobbing. Proper sobbing.

I wasn’t going to write about this. I wanted to put this away. But I couldn’t.

Hey guys. I thought a guy was into me. It clicked. It was an amazing day with talking, laughter and mocking (the flirty kind). The next day? As if nothing had happened. He acted as though the previous day never happened. The previous day he texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch break together with him the next day. I said yes, sure, sounds nice. It didn’t happen. And when I said something about it, he just acted rather cold about it. I do not know if I’ve done anything wrong, or said or not said something I should or shouldn’t have said, he just stopped it. It broke me.

I cried today, guys. Finally, after more than two months without tears, I cried. However, it wasn’t the relief I was hoping for. It was horrible, painful sobbing. I couldn’t breathe, I hyperventilated. I had to sit down, soon I had to lie down. Thank goodness I was home alone. I  cried like that two times today. It hurt so badly. It still hurts. God, how I wish I knew why he did what he did. I wish I understood, or at least got an explanation.

I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away so quickly. Just see what that brought me; nothing but sobbing and pain. I have enough with the people who already are in my life, I don’t need anyone else. That’ll save me from a lot of tears, a lot of pressure, hope and disappointments.

That was all, I just had to get this out of my system. It’s probably not over yet, though. Anyways, I’ll write you again soon, hopefully with something other than this depressing shit.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Darn difficult choice

So I have a very difficult choice ahead of me.

I feel like I have to choose between my heart and other people’s expectations. I think I will follow my heart rather than what others expect me to do, but I do not want to let anyone down, and I do not want to seem ungrateful for this opportunity that I have gotten.

Okay, so I will take this from the beginning. My music teacher gave me a piece of paper with information about some kind of advanced music learning programme thing. I could apply to this, and if I got accepted, I would be spending every third weekend in a city, living alone in a hotel room. You see, this learning programme is in a city pretty far away from where I live, and there would be courses and classes the entire weekend. This does sound like a lot of fun, but also a lot of commitment. I would have to change my job weekends (I currently work every other weekend…), I would have much less spare time to hang out with friends or just relax, and it would be expensive with all the travelling and living in a hotel. However, I am not sure if an opportunity like this will ever occur to me again. So you are probably saying ¨Go for it! This is a once ina lifetime opportunity! Do not let it go to waste!¨ However it is not that simple.

First of all: The day of the tryouts (we would have to play our instrument in front of a jury or whatever to show them what we know, and they would decide if we were good enough…) is in the middle of a weekend I have been looking forward to for half a year now. It is a weekend where me and some other musicians will excange music and culture with some scottish teens. I have planned this all out, I have prepared for having to speak english, and I have just been so eager to go there, and now this happens. I have to choose one of these two options.

So, the learning programme lasts for two years. Yep. Two YEARS. That means a lot of money for hotels and driving, and a whole lot of commitment. I just really want to go to that weekend with the scottish teens. Also, I do not think I am ready for such a drastic change…

I want to tell my mum that I do not feel ready for the commitment of this learning programme, and I will also then tell my music teacher.

You see, I am going to go to this kind of learning programme school thing for a year when I graduate, and I am also considering studying music and stuff after that, so I will most definetly learn new and more advanced stuff on my instruments. However that is two years from now. Does it really make a difference, though? Should I not just embrace my last time as a teenager and cruise a little instead of stressing myself out, spending all my money on living in a city every third weekend? Should I not save money, save my nerves and focus on other things like friendship, family, school, and myself? I have my whole life ahead of me, why should I stress this?

No matter what I choose here, I may decline a once in a lifetime opportunity.

What would you do? Give me advice, people. Please.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

 

Updated phobias; some real talk

So I looked at my previous ¨phobias¨ post, and figured that it’s a little… well… It’s not that accurate. I therefore decided to create a new list of my phobias, this time with a little more research and thought behind each phobia. However, I chose to leave the previous post about phobias, just so that you can see the difference. So yeah, enjoy reading about my fears, you weird sociopaths… Just kidding, I hope you’re normal.

My phobias

1. Thalassophobia – Fear of the sea: I have this, and I’ve known it for just about my entire life. It’s not just because of sharks and fish and that stuff (although they’re pretty creepy too), but it’s just… All this unknown space, all around. Space, as in outer space, as in stars and planets, do not freak me out. I suppose this is because I can actually be at sea, and I know that ¨this is not my turf. This is the turf of sharks and whales and fish and all these things we haven’t even seen yet.¨ I just feel helpless.
2. Enochlophobia – Fear of crowded places: You probably already knew both this one and number one. Crowded places freak me out. My heart starts racing, it suddenly feels like the room is on fire, and I just have to get to a place with less people. This is one of several reasons why I do not really want to go to parties and such. I have never been to a party, even though my friends have tried again and again to make me go with them. I am more fan of sitting alone in a room, gaming or something.
3.  Erotophobia – Fear of sex, or fear of things related to sex: This one gets kind of complicated. You see, erotophobia is ¨a generalized term that encompasses a wide range of specific fears.¨ (quoted from this website.) So, erotophobia include any phobia connected with sex and stuff like that. And, here are the specific phobias I (am pretty sure I) have when it comes to these things:

Genophobia/coitophobia – Fear of sex: Quite simply, the fear of sexual intercourse. I did not have any issues with kissing or cuddling when I was in a relationship, but the more sexual part was very frightening, and after all the things my ex and I did, I am afraid I have ruined myself. I no longer want sexual… Stuff… I mean, I sometimes want it, but if I got the opportunity I would just lock down and say NOPE.

Fear of intimacy and fear of vunerability: Not only when it comes to sexual things, but also sharing personal stories and inner feelings and thoughts. That’s why I find this blog a good way to push my comfort zone. You see, I do not really feel comfortable writing about these things, but I try to post as much as possible of the things I write (I write a lot here, but I rarely post it). Also, when it comes to actually talking seriously to someone about feelings or, well, just serious stuff, I struggle. I just don’t know what to say or what to do, or where to look or what expression to make.

Gymnophobia – Fear of nudity: I have poor self esteem. Just saying. I do not find my body nice to look at, so therefore I do not see how someone else can. They can say whatever they want, but there’s something telling me that I am not pretty, my body is too big, and I should be like ¨the others¨.

So there you have it. Number 3 on this list turned out to be quite complicated, but oh well… You see, these phobias (the ones on number 3, mostly) have caused quite a lot of pain and trouble for me. I could have been so confident. I could have been so much happier. But no. These fucking phobias keep messing with my head, making me feel the need to push people away from my inner feelings and thoughts. Not even my closest friend knows anything about this. This is one of those things I do not tell anyone. I didn’t even hint at it to my ex. He probably just thought I was weird or something. I don’t know.

Do you reckognize yourself in anything that I’ve written today? Let me know if you do.

Stay happy, stay brave, stay awkward

Seeing someone get hurt

Hey guys. Long time, no see, right? I think so…

Anyhow, today I am going to write to you about a big fear of mine at the time: I fear that one of my best friends will get seriously hurt because of some douchebag. So, I am going to explain this to you, from the beginning.

It started a year ago  or something like that. She (my friend) had feelings for him (the douchebag). Now, I have never been much of a fan of this guy, because I have always thought he looks kind of arrogant. However, I do noot know him so I decided not to judge the book by its cover. So this guy did some things that were certain signs that he was into my friend as well, and of course she was so happy. They texted a lot, there were a bunch of flirting (and some… pictures… she told me this later on) and she was thrilled. I was also happy for them and was shipping them. Maybe this guy isn’t such a bad guy after all?

Then, one day, my friend gathered courage enough to talk about relationship stuff with him. What did he reply with? He was NOT into her at all, not like that. Apparently, he was just ¨testing her boundaries¨. This made me very angry, and I was convinced she would stop talking to this jerk. But no; she kept talking to him and they both sent pictures… and stuff… And I could not at all understand this. However I figured I would let her follow her feelings.

A long time passed, and I started hating this dude more and more. He insulted her all the time, he insulted her FRIENDS (like, he said we were all super childish and stuff. Apparently, being happy and NOT fucking mysterious and shit, is the same as being childish. Alright, the more you know…..) Now, I’ve told her this many times: I do not care that he thinks I am like this or that. However, when he insults HER. STRAIGHT. TO. HER. OWN. FACE. That’s when I get real pissed off. I will not have any man (or woman…) disrespecting my best friend! Buuuuut, she didn’t seem to mind. She even told me she agreed; we were all childish. And she was often being dramatic about stuff. I did NOT agree.

Jumping in time, to a couple of weeks ago. He wanted her to visit him. I did not hear about her visit for a long time (which means about a week or something) because she knows that I do not like him. I made it clear to her that I want to hear about these things although I do not like him. It is the frindship codex: We tell each other these things.So she told me all about her romantic visit. Apparently, he now seems to be into her again, and not just as a friend. I do not belive this for one moment. I am so afraid he will hurt her badly, worse than the last time (which was pretty bad). The others in the friend group agree: We do not like him and he is bad for her. He has done this several times before to her: Luring her in, flirting, all these things, and then going ¨Oh, you really think I would want to date YOU? Grow up, I am above you.¨ It just hurts so bad to think that she might get totally heartbroken one day.

It’s all these changes she makes to make him like her, you know. I fear that she will lose herself, possibly push us all away if things get out of hand. He is manipulating her, and she seems totally fine with it. Probably because she des not realise it herself. Ever since they started talking she has changed in a way. I miss the good old friend I once had. Lately I have been starting to doubt that I can even call her my best friend anymore. And I dare not to tell her what I fer will happen, because I am certain she will get upset and defensive and angry with me, and the last thing I want to do is push her away. I want to protect her. I wish I knew that she is smarter than this, but I cannot know this.

Help me, guys, is there anything I can do here? Anything at all? I am desperate, because I see everything getting out of hand already. I do not want her to break down, I  cannot even stand the thought of it.

Even if you experience hard times:

Stay happy, stay awkward

I don’t know

Right now I don’t know wether to cry or scream. Or sleep… I’m mad. Sad. But at the same time kind of alright. I’m inspired, but not motivated. I’m torn. I don’t know what the fuck I want, and I sure as heck don’t have a fucking clue what I need. Sorry for swearing, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And that annoys me so much! I wanna watch a movie. I wanna play the guitar. I wanna play the flute. I wanna write something. I wanna do homework. My problem here is my lack of motivation. Oh well, I’ll play some guitar. Read a little. I don’t know.

I don’t know.

‘I broke up with him…’, and ‘I won a championship!’

Hey guys.

So, I’ve broken up with my boyfriend. A couple days ago. A week ago? Almost a week ago, yeah.

He cheated on me. And I got to know that from his friend. So, I confronted him, and we talked… And yeah, he says he doesn’t remember anything (he was drunk…) but I don’t know if that’s completely true… -.-

Alright, I guess that’s all there is to say about that matter… So, to the championship! This weekend I’ve been in a city, where I’ve been competing in a championship in taekwon-do. I won! Gold medal! F*ck yeah! I got to meet old friends, made new friends and it was just a really really really nice weekend. I wish I could go back in time and experience that weekend once more… Oh well, I’ll just have to wait until the next championship. :3

I’m doing all right. Kinda weird time for me, I guess… My previous post is something I wrote a couple of months ago, but I posted it now because I felt like it.  Like, I’m kind of disconnected, as y’all know I love calling it, but I’m alright. Imma try to listen to what I wrote for myself in that letter…

That’s all. You have a fantastic day and a fantastic week!

Stay happy, stay awkward ^^