Where did the passion go?

Hello there.

I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If you don’t know what Taekwon-Do is; it’s a martial art.

Anyways, I used to really love Taekwon-Do. If I was having a shitty day, Taekwon-Do practice would make everything better. The people were amazing, I loved doing the things we did, even the exhausting strength training we did. I felt comfortable in the gym during Taekwon-Do lessons. I felt at home there. What happened to those feelings?

I’ve been to quite a few Taekwon-Do tournaments. They’re a lot of fun, and I’ve met so many amazing people there. Some of them I even wound up loving…  Aaaanyways, the tournaments. There are people of all ages at these tournaments, and people of all levels in Taekwon-Do. From green belts (there’s usually a rule saying you can’t compete if you’re on a lower level than the green belt) to black belts. And the black belts have always been amazing in my eyes. No matter who they were, even if they didn’t seem like nice people, I looked up to them. I admired them, because I knew that, in order to get a black belt in Taekwon-Do you need persistence, muscles, brains and patience. It takes years and years to get to their level. It’s incredible how much they must love Taekwon-Do to put so much time and effort into it.

I currently have a red belt with two stripes on it, which means that I am two tests away from getting a black belt. What I have always admired and looked forward to, is so close. I could probably reach black belt within a year. I can finally be one of those people who seem to be able to do anything. So why, then, do i find myself not wanting it?

I still look up to people who practice Taekwon-Do. I look up to them no matter what level they’re on: I look at their passion, and I admire it. Seeing them try and fail and succeed and seeing their progress; it is amazing. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I just don’t feel motivated to keep doing this myself.

I’ve lost my spark. I’ve lost all motivation to keep training. Maybe it’s because I have realised that, no matter how much time and effort I put into Taekwon-Do, I will never finish learning it? No, that’s not it. I love learning new things. Is it because of the people attending the lessons? Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, this guy recently started training again after being gone for about a year or two, and it seems like I’ve lost some motivation after he returned.

I’ve also lost my confidence. I used to feel rather good at what I do at practice. Not anymore. Maybe because of the guy who returned (to be honest, he’s not excactly a great guy…). I don’t know.

Maybe I should just quit?

No. I can’t just quit.

Reasons why I can’t just quit:

  1. Friends: I have several friends who I only get to see during tournaments because they live so far off. I can’t just ditch them all…?
  2. Money: my parents have put quite a lot of money into my practice, when I think about it: books, equipment, lessons, tournaments, belt tests. These things cost money. What would they say if I told them I just want to throw all that away? On the other hand, I am bound to quit at some point…
  3.  . . .

Here I am, trying to create a list of reasons why I can’t quit Taekwon-Do. I am realising that there aren’t as many reasons as I thought. I think the main reason why I’m still practicing is that I am afraid of feeling like a failure. I will have let my past self down by not pursuing what I always wanted. So I keep trying to convince myself that it will pass. Soon, my passion for Taekwon-Do will return. I just don’t want to rush anything and then regret it.

Do any of you guys have any advice to give about this? I’d be glad to hear your thoughts.

Until next time,

Stay happy, stay awkward.

P.S: I’m sorry for being very inconsistent with my posting.

Are there more of him?

Hey guys.

Guess what. I miss him hella lot. It has been, what, 26 days since he ended it? 

(If you’re reading this and don’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about; the first person I’ve ever loved, broke up with me. Somehow I was convinced it would last. At least for longer than it did. Anyways, you can read more about it in my previous posts if you want to.)

So yeah, it has been about 26 days, I think. And I actually miss him more than ever. I guess there’s not really anything weird about it. Missing someone you love. I wonder… I wonder if there are any more like him out there? That I will ever get the chance to meet?

Bilderesultat for heartbreak

There are about 7,4 billion people on Earth. In my country, there are about 5 million. Many are women, many are children and many are in relationships, but there are still a lot of single guys out there. But the thing that worries me, is wether or not there are anyone like him. Or better. More perfect. More lovable. Better looking, kinder, funnier and just all over better. I don’t think so. I try to think positively. I try to think that, although he seems perfect, there is someone out there, even better. It’s difficult, I’m sure you know this. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this heartbreak, I share this feeling with so many other people. Still, though. It’s difficult to stay positive. When will I get over him? When will I be able to move on? When will he move on?

That’s probably what worries me the most, in a way. Him finding somebody else. Him moving on before I’ve done the same. One of us will be the first one to move on, I know. And, it’s probably quite selfish of me to not want to see him together with someone else. But it’s not so weird, is it? I still have feelings for him (for fucks sake, I still love him), and seeing him move on would close that door that is the possibility of us two getting back together.

Bilderesultat for heartbreak

I miss talking to him. I miss playing video games with him. I miss the Skype calls. I miss his voice. I miss his words. I miss everything about him, and everything about us. I wish there was some magical button I could press to make all these emotions go away. Or to bring us back together. Or to erase every memory I have with him. Wait, no, I wouldn’t want to forget him. Holy shit, there is no way I would want to erase the memories I have of him.

He helped me in so many ways. We helped each other, talked about everything. Him and I, we bonded like I’ve never bonded with anyone before. He made me feel like everything would work out. He taught me what it feels like to love someone. And when it all ended, the relationship with my friends grew much stronger. So I have that to thank him for as well.

It was amazing while it lasted, and although I am not sure wether it is possible to feel that way about anyone else, ever, I will not give up on hope. Because since I found him, and he actually felt the same way about me as I did about him, I know that miracles sometimes happen.

Have you experienced heartbreak? How fast did you recover (if you ever did)? Let’s talk about this. Leave a comment if you want to talk about anything. Thanks.

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for heartbreak
Stay positive, am I right?

Mess / Friends

My life is a mess. A big, tragic mess.

Okay it’s not really such a mess. I suppose that, for someone watching from the outside, my life is nothing special. It’s an alright life. And it is. My life is alright, I suppose. It’s the inside that is a mess.

My emotions are all over the place. I feel like crying, yet I can’t cry. I feel happy, yet I feel sad. It’s still better than being disconnected from it all, though.

I am not sure what I’m doing, and I am not sure what I should be doing. I feel quite confused about a lot of things.

On a happier note, however:

I’m being more social than usual. I’ve been spending more time with my friends. It feels rather nice.

I feel like I’ve really bonded with two of my friends over the past couple of days. I’ve learned that they are actually here for me, more so than I used to think. I showed them what I really feel, and their response made me so happy.  They helped me realise that I actually don’t need to go through everything alone. They let me know they’re here for me, no matter what.

I am not alone. And neither are you, whoever you who is reading this is. If you feel alone, look around and you’ll see someone. I am sure of it.

We are not alone on this planet filled with people.

Stay happy, stay awkward.

Please don’t

Stop. Stop crying. I’m crying again. However this time with good reason. I wasn’t wrong yesterday. I felt like something was wrong, and it was. And it is.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want it to be true. I want him to feel the same as I do.

He feels better when not being around technology so much. He feels better when being around people. In real life. So I get it, a long-distance relationship doesn’t work for him. I can’t do anything but respect that. I once wrote on a post-it note that, for me to leave him, he would have to ask me to. And today, he did just that.

Of course, he didn’t say it like that. He just made it clear that he didn’t think it  is going to work out. If it was up to me, it would work out, even if we didn’t speak for weeks, it would work out as long as we just got to talk sometimes. But he can’t help it for not feeling the same way. Different people have different needs, and there is only so much one can take.

I’m glad he’s feeling better, though. I hope it continues that way. I wish for only bright days for him. I love him. So I’ll do as he wishes.

Don’t think I’m trying to make him seem like a bad guy, okay? He is the kindest person I’ve ever met. He is amazing in so many ways, and I’ve never felt so safe with anyone ever before. I wish for all the best for him. And at this point, the best for him is to be around people, reading books, things that don’t include technology. Of course I am upset, but there is nothing I can do about it. As I said in a post not long ago: At the end of the day, it is up to him.

So I hope your day is good, guys…

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i still love you

Stop

Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Please, stop crying.

Why am I crying?

I am overthinking.

Overanalyzing.

It must all be in my head.

I see how stupid my mind is when I search through the evidence.

There is nothing to cry about. I’m sure of it.

I wish for summer to get here. Not because it’s my favourite season (winter is my favourite). No, I wish for summer to come because he likes it. He likes the light. He is better then. Not as sad, a bit more happy. Much more happy, actually.

Stop. Stop it. Please. I beg of myself.

This is ridiculous. I am sure there is nothing to cry about. At this point, I am not even sure why I am crying. When it started, I knew. But the reason why I started crying is not the reason why I am crying now. I do not know why I am crying now. For I know it is dumb.

Calm down.

I’m calm.

Probably not for long…

But for now

I am calmer.

Something I wrote to calm myself

It is indeed difficult. Quite difficult. I can have all the trust in him; I can give all my support to him. I can think, hope, and believe anything I want, but at the end of the day, I stand powerless. Helpless. Out of control. It is all up to him. Sure, I can try to help him, I can try. I can try all I want, I might even affect his choices. But I cannot decide what the final outcome will be. That is up to noone other than himself.

It makes me mad. I shall not lie; it does make me mad. However, I cannot really be mad. I can at least not show him I am mad, for I fear that it would make it worse.

Or maybe he needs to see that it upsets me? Show him that I actually do care about him and his choices, and that if he does these things, it will upset me beacuse I do not wish to see him like this.

No, I should rather just show him my support, tell him I’m there for him, tell him not to worry.

Then again, he must know he is being stupid, right? I am not okay with him doing this to himself. I can tell he is not okay with it either. But why, then, does he do it? Like with so many topics; I wish I knew.

Bilderesultat for i love you

What can I say? What should I say? Anything could potentially sound self-centered if I try to put some sense into his head. I am trying to help him. I am not trying to make everything about me. Or, am I? I don’t think I am…?

No. I will not lecture him. I cannot even understand what he is feeling, what he is thinking. I can try, but I have not been in his situation, so I cannot fully understand. I will let him learn by himself, and I will be there for him, no matter what.

In all honesty, the only thing that could ever make me leave him is if he told me to do so.

So yeah, I will tell him that I do not like seeing him like this, and he’ll probably say something like ¨I understand, but don’t wory too much. I’ll be fine.¨ I sure hope he will be fine. I hope he will not do this again. But, as I said earlier; I can hope all I want, but at the end of the day, it is up to him.

Bilderesultat for im there for you

Hey guys. My boyfriend got high today. It was not a good high. He was not feeling okay. I am worried, and I had a lot of feelings and did not know what to tell him or what to do. So I wrote this. It helped. I feel better now, and after having a serious talk with me and having a shower, my boyfriend too feels a bit better. I’m adding some cheesy tumblr-like quotes here and there in this, because they describe my feelings right now… Feelings of love, that is, for I love him. Although I am upset, I love him, and I wish him all the best, always.

Bilderesultat for i cant put into words how much I care

I’ll talk to you guys later

Stay happy, stay awkward

Bilderesultat for i love you

Some topics I wanna discuss

Hey guys!

Fun fact about me: I don’t really like discussing. Someone always gets all triggered, someone might get pissed at each other, and my opinions are not strong enough to survive an intense discussion (or, so I think). I do have some opinions that other people can’t change, but I just can’t be bothered to try and make others understand or agree with me. What’s the point? I don’t really care if you disagree with me. I also don’t really care if I disagree with you. That is what it is, it’s not a matter of life or death.

So yeah, I’m not a big fan of discussions. I also do not have a lot of statistics and information ready on my computer for a hefty discussion. However, I kinda wanna discuss some topics with someone. Here’s a quick little list:

  • ¨Racism¨
  • ¨Feminism¨
  • ¨Equality¨

Okay so three things on the list. I have some thoughts and stuff about my views on these topics, and a lot of thoughts on people who share their opinions online. Also, notice how I put all the topics in the little ¨ signs? That’s because I know that different people define these words in different ways, which tends to annoy me (because the definition of them for some people are just plain stupid). For the record; not a whole lot of things actually annoy me, so consider it a special occasion when something does.

In conclusion; these are some things I wanna discuss. Whether I will discuss it in a forum/private chat with someone, or if I’ll write about them here, or if I will do nothing at all, only time will tell. I just wanted you to know I have opinions (if anyone wants to talk about the things, let me know!)

Stay happy, stay awkward